Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
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*kidnapper calls to make his demands but my kid keeps interrupting him to ask if he wants to see his fidget spinner*
Cha-ching is my safe word
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
You can’t cancel our date I just put a new garbage bag over my broken car window
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
Morpheus: “You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and–”
Me: “Blue pill.”
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Love it! 👍😂
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
The audacity of my brain to just forget the one thing I told it to remember. What do you mean you don’t remember!? I looked right at you in the mirror and told you that you better remember this! Anyway, I don’t know why I’m at Costco.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
Weirdly Wednesday.
Them: what charity are you raising money for?
Me: *in a bath of beans* raising money?
Sex is like tacos. I wish I was having some now.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Correct.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
Me, when son comes for the weekend from college: I can’t wait to make a good dinner for him.
Me, when finding out his classes will be all online next quarter: Shit, now I have to cook more!
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”