Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
You Might Also Like
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
The anxious urge to say “no worries either way” when you are actually worrying both ways plus a secret third way
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
STEPHEN KING WRITING ABOUT LIVING IN NEW ENGLAND: The old man who ran the town dump communed with darkness. He kept a Hand of Glory in a 1982 Boston Bruins mug. Crows and bats were his to command.
ME AFTER MOVING TO NEW ENGLAND: Jesus, I used to think Stephen King made shit up.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
I like to confuse my husband. So I smiled at him this morning.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“This tofu tastes like chicken.”
No one believes you dude.
Sir newton: I like them ticcc AF
Students: but sir we can’t write that
Newton: ok then write this “the grater the mass the greater the force of attraction”
“will…”
*Starbucks barista squints at name on cup*
“… the Red Slime Shoddy please stand up?”
*Eminem flips table and storms out*
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
Middle children as adults still trying to get attention because the oldest is being dramatic and the younger child is getting away with everything.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
I’ll grow my beard out just so I can knock on a strangers door & whisper, “I’m here to pick your kid up for prom. Either one. I don’t care.”
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
Wife: we can’t curse around the kids anymore.
Me: what should I say instead of bull-
Wife: shhh say snake instead.
Me: [whispers] this is snakeshit.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
Girlfriend: “I regret getting you that blender for your birthday”
Me drinking a pop tart: “why??”
God: go forth and multiply
Me: [bad at math] what
Dear guy that just shoplifted a brick from the supply centre, how close are you to finishing the construction of your dream home?
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
ME: [wearing donuts as glasses] did u just call me immature
WIFE: yes
ME: [removes donuts & tries to clean with shirt] your moms immature