Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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Whenever I feel overwhelmed, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide for three days in a cave
You don’t even know
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Humans shouldn’t come to Mars.
Mars has enough problems already.
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
Wait, I thought Ionic Bond was James’s nerdy little brother.
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
I had a friend growing up who named his dog “dog”. He recently had a baby and I’m disappointed he didn’t do the same thing. Dog would be such a cool name for a baby.
Explaining hardcore to my sister:
“Some bands yell their own name in the song and it goes SO HARD.”
My sister: “Like, ‘Shakira, Shakira?'”
[picking up a pile of things from one room] cleaning is fun! [throwing it into a room I’m in less] and Easy 🙂
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
english majors be like furthermore
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
One time I didn’t cut my grass for two months and my neighbor who was trying to sell his house got fed up and cut it for me so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you just ignore them
Gordon Ramsay walks into my basement. YOU CALL THIS METH? I WOULDN’T LET MY DOG SMOKE THIS. *smashes beakers* YOU DONKEY *massive explosion*
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I take no responsibility for anything I said or did yesterday.
I was young. It was a different time.
Fairy godmother: Remember, at midnight the spell will be broken.
Me in my 30’s: Oh no worries. I’ll be done and at home in my pajamas by 8pm.
FGM: Oh no, my dear, you have until midni—
Me: 8PM.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
absolutely not
My days of chasing men are now over.
I chase ice cream trucks now.