Is Mercury still in the microwave?
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I’ve written a musical called Fish. It’s very similar to Cats, although Memory’s a lot shorter.
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me
Congrats on your new baby. I remember a night where you drank a fifth of Jim Beam and crapped yourself. Glad you’re raising a child now.
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
His flabber was gasted 😂
Guys, check out this cool trick I learned. Take your upper lip and make it touch your lower lip. Now keep them like that.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
Telling everyone I’m an undecided voter bc I need the attention
6: *Watching kids yoga on YouTube*
Video: Ok, let’s do the Downward Facing Dog.
12: Ew! Uh…..um…..*keeps side eyeing me*
Me: *Making direct eye contact with 12* It’s a yoga pose. What did YOU think it was??
12: I…uh…..*runs away*
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
[sees wife getting changed after work] you should leave them high heels on
“ohhh yeah?”
[thinking about the spider on the bathroom ceiling] yeah
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
You know those books that sit there unread on your night stand? Take them with you on vacation so they can remain unread in a sunny locale.
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
dear teenage me, it’s the future. no flying cars but you will write jokes on a telephone. no don’t kill yourself it’s actually pretty fun
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*walks into Apple store
“SIRI PLAY JUSTEN BIEBER!!”
*walks out of Apple store
The woman beside me is reading a cocktail recipe book like a novel and I’m pretty sure I found my soul mate.
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.