Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
You Might Also Like
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
Only 350 more followers until I casually mention the benefits of Amway.
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
dead inside
[picks up hitchhiker]
“Hope ur not a mass murderer. Haha”Actually I am.
“WHAT”
APRIL FOOLS!
“Whew”
I’m technically a serial killer.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
i don’t let my toddler use an ipad but she does get to drive when i’m hungover
Did Roberto Martinez just moonwalk out of the job
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
1 have a mental illness that makes me think that people will change their minds if I present the correct arguments with the appropriate facts and data
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Today I realized that I lead an extremely secretive life for someone that no one is actually paying attention to.
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
That’s what I call a flat tire
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
“Here’s where you’ll be working… You can look at your phone as much as you like, pet bunny rabbits, and there’s a free McFlurry machine over there. Oh, and you’ll be working alongside Diane, who’s an insane, poisonous harpy who will try to destroy your mind for no real reason.”
The best thing capitalism has done is put a little window on pasta boxes so the noodles can look out at the world.
Was heating holiday leftovers and I accidentally dropped the plate. As we both stared at the carrots all over the floor my daughter announced “I guess the universe wants me to eat less vegetables.”
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
My wife says I’ve placed unreasonable expectations on our kids, but I think Superman and Wolverine will turn out just fine.
My kid was asked to write about a favorite family vacation at school and she decided to write about the time she watched her favorite youtube family go to Hawaii.