Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

🙌🏻😂😂😭🤣

People always use chicken nuggets as an example of unhealthy food parents feed their kids like do they even know how many fruit snacks my kid eats? Chicken nuggets are basically a cleanse for him.

It’s weird when my cat paces around on the front porch as if she’s in some intense conversation. I mean, I even checked her for ear buds.

Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.

But I don’t like to point fingers.

Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.

Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.

I’m aging like a fine banana

[cat potluck]
Mittens: so everyone brought a bird again but no plates, that’s just great

The first step to forgiveness is acknowledging that the other person is a complete twat.

I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.

“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”

I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.

It says: STOP

You don’t need to study the dammed thing.

What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.

Interviewer: Can you explain this 5-year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I didn’t have a job. Do you not know how resumes work?

me in my last relationship: ignores all the red flags

me single: i don’t like this guys choice of emojis

And satan said “let all the opinions of strangers on social media have an absurdly large effect on you” and it was so

Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.

Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?

Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.

Aww you passed out, let’s see what you’ve got in your wallet, shall we?

After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)

Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?

Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste

SPONSORED POST: Tide Pods. Remember when we seemed like a big problem?

“Describe yourself in 4 words.”

Bad at counting.

The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.

Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?

Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth

Cook: Those are ice cubes

Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?

Me: *mouths I love you*
Him:
M: *blows kiss*
H:
M: *adjusts my pajama top*
H: *empties the can & hops onto the side of the garbage truck*

i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?

DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer

SON: what aisle?

DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?

I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin

My daughter: Can I go to my friend’s house?
Me: Take your phone & text me every 20 minutes to tell me you’re ok

Me when I was 10: I’m off to the abandoned quarry with my pals
Mum: Dinner’s at 5