Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
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{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
[me, a people pleaser]: “no doctor that’s okay, whatever type of blood you have is fine”
Sorry, I liked your tweet one second after you posted it but in my defense, I’ve had my phone in my hand since 2012
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
I hired a nanny to watch my kids. Little did she know they were just two sacks of potatoes. When I got home I accused her of witchcraft.
They should invent clothes that get fat with you
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Boss: We need a name for our film studio
Me: Let him go first, he’ll copy my idea
1-up Karl: No I promise I won’t
Me: Ok my idea is 19th Century Fox
1-up Karl: *looks at camera*
“We had to let him go. He was only pulling 15 times his weight.”
– Corporate ants.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
If a guy says he’ll take you to pound town, ask for details about the puppies. I’m not taking that trip unless there’re puppies.
I wanna open a cheese store called The Parmacy.
“Come on in for a Gouda time!”
My latest missile blew up on the launch pad.
But it exploded so fast Americav couldn’t tell what type it was.
I’m not telling.
Checkmate.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
You come into my house on this, the day of my dark chocolate soy milk’s expiration?
Best Buy: What’s your street name? Me: FUNK MASTER FERG bia bia! Best Buy: No, the name of your street.
Walk around with the same confidence of a toddler who has chosen their own clothes.
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice