Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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This checks out
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
why do people say “i better sleep on it” when it’s like a serious thing they need to think about? i have dreams where i eat a tomato full of bees. how is that supposed to help my life choices?
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
[christmas dinner]
me:
extended family member:
me:
extended family member:
me:
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Either I just saw a bat in the garden or the mice are using hand-gliders to avoid our cat.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
“You drive, I’m tired.”
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
If I ask for directions and you answer me with cardinal ones, you should know that I will get lost… I need concrete references, like “across from the red house with a crocked tree, 2 blocks from a dead squirrel, turn right when you see the old lady that drinks Shiners at 7am”.
Being single is starting wear on me. I’ve stopped shaving one leg so that when I go to bed it feels like I’m sleeping next to a man.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
Don’t tell me how to live my life, box.
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
Just finished filming my new movie, “Death on the Sidewalk.” I shot it with my car’s back-up camera.
I used to think I could control ducks with my mind but it turns out ducks & I just have very similar ideas about what stuff ducks should do
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
reply and i’ll guess how many slim jims you can carry without dropping
There were no dating apps in the 1950s. You just crashed a pyramid of water skiing girls into a pyramid of water skiing guys and hoped for the best.