Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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Wife: y is a penguin w an umbrella in the-
Me:*points to dog dressed as batman* so Bark Wayne isnt bored
W:
M: he needs an arch enemy, Karen
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
Oh the things you don’t know you agreed to when pressing “accept” on the internet…
Whoever said “Just showing up is half the battle” (a) didn’t understand battles and (b) probably died quickly after showing up.
The department of wildlife got back to me and said there’s nothing they can do about the size of crows.
I went to the gym today.
Just kidding, I walked down the block and yelled at the neighbor kids for screaming while I’m trying to nap.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love🎶
Me: “And a million dollars.”
Beatles: 🎶All you need is love, love🎶
Me: “Agree to disagree.”
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I would like to publicly state my support for Some Sex Marriage.
I don’t have that many drinks. I just freshen up the one constantly.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Welcome to middle age. You now take pictures of instructions so you can enlarge them.
😂😅😂
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
How was every day in October 36 hours long but the entire month went by in only 4 days. I’m confused.
People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*