Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
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Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
If the government wants me to work so bad then they should give me a job at the unemployment office
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
me: hey cat what are you up to
cat: ʜᴀɪʟ ʟᴜᴄɪᴘᴜʀʀ
me: what
cat: meow
Raisins are grape jerky.
Having grown up Catholic, anytime someone says “May The Force be with you” I always want to respond “And also with you”
THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
me: we named you after our favorite films
paul blart: i hate you
wife: you should be proud of your names
paul blart 2: you’re monsters
I used to think it would be fun to be a contestant on Chopped, then I birthed my own mini judges who criticize and reject everything I cook.
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
I heard you like bad girls. I’m bad at everything
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
[my coffin lowering into the grave]
wait guys shouldn’t I be dead
[coffin starts lowering faster]
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
“My ex was a great wife, mom & never once complained once about ass to mouth” was apparently not an acceptable speech when she remarried?
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
i won
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
I shall have another coffee for I am sleeping standing
“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”