Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
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Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
“Wow, Awesome costume.”
“Step out of the vehicle, sir.”
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Don’t let anyone treat you like a red flag, you’re the whole damn red carpet baby
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
me: head, shoulders, knees and toes, eyes and ears and mouth and nose
CDC: no
Just installed an egg cannon on the hood of my car. Flipping people off and cursing at them just doesn’t satisfy me anymore.
“Whatcha doin’ right now?”
“Finishing up some emails.“
“Wrong. You’re drivin’ me to Petco.”
“Why? You have plenty of food.”
“I’ll also need you to wait in the car.”
“Wait, what?”
“And, keep it running.”
“What’s going on here, Max?”
“Nothin’. I just gotta see a guy about a thing.”
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
I have boogers but they are too big for these holes.
-my 5 yo on blowing his nose.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Him: What gets you hot, baby?
Me: mmm, talk to me in an accent.
H: Zoinks, like, there’s a ghost! Let’s get out of here Scoob!M: *swoons*
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
G: Grandma (completely safe watch with grandma)
PG: Partial Grandma (slightly awkward)
PG13: 13 or more cusses (very awkward)
R: NO grandmas
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
*bees surround guy*
AHHH GET THEM AWAY
“Don’t make any sudden movements” *suddenly the Macarena comes on*
Oh no…
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
IKEA is the swedish word for “relationship meltdown in a public place.”
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
My daughter and I were in a drive thru and the lady said, “She headed to a photo shoot?” And I said, “She’s actually on her way to court.”
She looked surprised so I said, “She’s not in trouble, she’s a lawyer.” And she said, “Well if she was in trouble she wouldn’t be for long.”