Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*

[30 min later]

Wife: …where is he?

Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)

Stop screaming! I thought you’d appreciate having someone to pass you a towel when you got out of the shower

Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?

Wife: Of course

M: Even tho it’ll upset them?

W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind

M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then

W: I despise you

Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.

Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.

Me: there’s no “u” in team

Canadian: we’ll see about that bud

Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.

I hate it when I’m outside & an insect lands & crawls on my glasses & for a split second I think aliens have invaded.

Cobra’s try and act tough by wearing a hoodie

I don’t understand wanting a pet and then getting fish. All you can do is look at them. A fish tank is basically a boring TV show that you have to feed.

Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?

Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?

Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here

The Book. The Movie.

the owl’s distinctive call allows them to communicate over distances spanning 800 meters but they usually just talk shit about bats

Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.

I don’t always eat 100-calorie packs of anything, but when I do, I make sure and eat the whole box.

BAD: When your date has been in the Men’s Room for 45 mins.

WORSE: When the 6 yo girl at the table next to you says “he’s not coming back”

me: any idea how my house burned down?

detective: fireworks

me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does

The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.

Me: What word?

The child: Funking.

Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.

Not everyone was Kung foo fighting

I was just trying to get out of my sports bra

just witnessed a drug deal

You get: 1 hour of extra sleep

You lose: the will to live after the sunsets at 4pm

I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.

Cutting the rings on my 6 pack plastic thing so nobody chokes when i throw it into the turtle enclosure at the aquarium

[walks in meeting late]
“Sorry I was busy with important-”
SIRI (from pocket): OK here’s what I found on the web for are hot dogs sandwiches

It’s called Wal-Mart because the Center for Disease Control was taken.

I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”

[first day as a tampon designer]

Boss:
Me:
Boss: What kind of work did you do before?
Me: I made expandable dinosaur sponge toys.

does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink

My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.

I’ve just used glitter spray paint in a confined space, and now I’m on another planet busting disco moves with an intoxicated pixie.