Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“Why is your name listed first?”
“We’ve discussed this.”
“Explain it to me one more time.”
“They’re alphabetical.”

Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)

Her: you’re damaged goods
Me *thinking*: she thinks I’m good!

What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?

You have a polkageist.

Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?

Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*

Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.

reminder: the best way to say benedict cumberbatch is to the tune of photograph by nickelback

*gets into trouble*

Trouble: Wrong hole.

I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.

i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

excel: is that a date?

me: 57.39 is very much not a date

excel: strong date vibes to me

me: h-how

excel: fixed it

me: 57/39/2020?

excel: you’re welcome

Just signed up for free HBO, but the terms and conditions were so steep I think I also agreed to carry Steve Buscemi’s baby.

if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

I bought 28 items at the grocery store today and the bagger managed to strategically fit them into just 21 bags.

imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt

I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.

People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.

Me, when Prime Video asks me to pay an extra $2.99 to remove ads.

I’m rubber. You’re glue. He’s glitter. She’s decoupage. Welcome to our crafting gang.

In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.

Jan 21, 2015: The 1989 film “Back to the Future II” showed life on Oct 21, 2015. So we’ve got 9 Months to invent Flying Cars.

Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.

😸

Eaten so many blue cheese stuffed olives today that it feels like France and Greece are waging a war for land in my intestines.

The Constitution has barely been altered in 200 years, but my $300 textbook is worth $0.82 bc they came out with a new edition mid-semester.

My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.

Omg Brad Pitt just followed me! How does he only have 14 followers?!?!