Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Somebody better tell me what extortion means or I am going to start breaking kneecaps

I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.

Why is no one talking about how hamsters taste NOTHING like ham?!

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring

Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail

…again.

(Now in theaters)

[in Batmobile]

Superman: Hey

Batman: Sup?

S: Promise you won’t be mad?

B: [sighs] I asked if you had to go before we left the Batcave!!

Slicing my strawberry shortcake ice cream bar like it’s wagyu beef

not to brag, but mine was free

Sorry I yelled “GET A ROOM!” at your grandson’s wrestling tournament.

Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏

GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore

ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome

I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.

me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol

bank teller: something about a gun

A million dollars to the person who invents a GPS that says “turn right at the Taco Bell” because what tf is 400ft?

my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing

At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?

I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.

repaired

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?

TV Anchor: I don’t have my Halloween costume yet but it’s going to be cool and wet!
Me: Wow you go girl!
TVA: turning to weather…
M: Oh…

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Make friends at the park by telling strangers that you died in this exact spot 200 years ago today

i don’t usually get political here and i’m about to get controversial and i’m sure i’ll lose a lot of followers over this but crinkle fries are the worst fry.

*Texting with my wife while she’s out*

Wife: YOUR SUPPOSED TO BE WASHING DISHES !

Me: YOU’RE *

I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible