Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
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I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
“WHAT ARE YOU KIDS DOING IN THERE?”
*stomps feet to pretend I’m going towards that room*
Me: hey, I’m looking for an email.
iPhone mail: this one from 2012, unrelated to your search?
Me: no it was last week
iPhone: can’t find it.
Honestly the Bible is pretty good for God’s first book
Hypothesis, hypotenuse and hippopotamus are the same words
Stay woke, sheeples
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
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[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
[inventing tupperware]
make it with a material that never lets them forget that one time they made spaghetti
The guy in front of me at the supermarket paid with a check
Not to be outdone, I tried to pay with some turquoise beads and an otter pelt
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.
what the hell is this stain?
– a memoir
[walks into kitchen]
Me: Put that back, it’s mine.
Daughter: Sorry.
Me: Your big brother once tried to steal my cake.
Daughter: I don’t have a big brother.
Me: Exactly.
Stick it to the man
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
my coworker was wiping a stain off her jacket this morning and was like “never feed a baby in a suit,” and of course my first thought was “who dresses a baby in a suit”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.