Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I love restaurants that have signs like “Since 1916”. It’s a great way to know the place you’re eating at was probably super racist.

I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.

Considering all the air molecules pressing against me in this universe and the incredible strength I’m using to not implode, I really shouldn’t have to fast and work out to be hot. This is bullshit.

Today’s homeschooling Google searches:

I saw my ex getting beaten up by half a dozen thugs.
For a second, I thought, “Should I help?”
Then I thought, “No…6 should be enough.”

him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?

Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on

*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*

[pronounces modeling like yodeling]

My midwife just sat me down and gently broke the news that I am simply plump and she has no reason to be here.

Her: why are u breaking up with me

Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen

– How was school?

4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions

– laughs
– oh honey

– nobody would name their kid Trenton

Bro thinks that’s his job 🥹

That song stuck in my head is “Don’t Speak,” I’ve no doubt in my mind.

Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?

Me: Never

Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.

Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.

Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.

My son can play any song by ear on the piano.

I can sort items for the recycling bin.

Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.

I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.

Ya’ll i really thought @iamcardib wore a swim/bathing suit only to realize it’s the bald headed man 🥴

My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

Just blew up my daughter’s beach ball by mouth & I’m afraid this beach ball would not pass a sobriety test.

Even if you don’t pay, they’ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.

You guys, Christ is rising again soon and to make him feel extra welcome, we’ve put up paintings of each stage of his murder

The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.

Me: “hey what time do you want to eat dinner?”

Him: “I dunno, I’m not picky. 6:30, 7?”

Me, *to myself* “damn, that’s specific”

Me, into the phone, “Yes, table for two for 6:37.”

pep talk

Damn, girl, are you a customer looking for a great deal, because my clothes are 75% off.

Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.