Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
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Wife: Why can’t you be more spontaneous?
Me: *jumps out the window*
Everyone makes fun of Aquaman, but he’s got it all figured out.
He spends all day chilling in the water.
His life is one big pool party.
I got soap in my shower beer again.
The jerk store called? But, that jerk store burned down ten years ago… on this very night
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
a Classic™️that i have been reminded of..
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
I like to pride myself on knowing whether it’s Ice Ice Baby or Under Pressure by the first bum bum bum badda dum bum.
Well I gave my middle son a haircut and long story short it is a darn good thing he’s stuck at home
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
(My kid looking over my shoulder as I sign an email.)
Kid: You’re not a Dr!
Me: YES I AM! What do you think I was studying for all the time when you were little?
Kid: Oh, I thought you just liked reading books and crying.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
*mixes raisins into my mac and cheese*
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Disney say they’re going to make Mickey Mouse’s hands smaller for “realism”.
Well, not on my watch.
Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.