Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

[at funeral] You really had to see him live

Homeschooling update day 3:

Me: *Googles mortality rates for homeschooling parents*

If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.

Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.

[watching murder documentary]

Her: That’s not how I would have done it.

Me: *never sleeps again*

Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.

There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.

today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit

My flight did not give out free water so I asked for a glass of ice instead and documented the journey to a free water

Checkmate, Allegiant

I was offered a brownie at work and when I opened the box, it was filled with brown colored letter E’s.

Before I die, I’m putting fake treasure maps behind all my picture frames.
My grand children will be so pwned.

uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there

I caught my 6-year-old trying to hide a banana peel to save it for later because he wants to make a craft with it “maybe next week.”

*5yo curses incessantly after falling.*

*Me realizing where he got it from: 😬*

Hubby: “Are there any trophy stores open? You deserve a mother of the year award.”

Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.

Wife: I’m leaving

Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together

Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart

Me: ooh get chocolate

“When I call your name say ‘omnipresent.'” – teacher to class full of Gods

Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling

The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.

During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.

It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

– dinner –

Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes

If you lick me, I taste like vodka.

Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…

[about to have sex]

her: I can tell this is your first time

me: *opening box of bees* did you bring any birds

I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.

someone told me “I couldn’t think of anyone I’d rather spend time with,” & my first thought was that they tried really hard to think of someone else but had to settle on me, so thanks low self esteem, u my only friend

Don’t tell me how to lift my baby