Is my life this bad because I didn’t forward that email to 15 people back in 2007?
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{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
When your kids embarrass you in public, the only viable course of action is to turn away in disgust, muttering “who raised you?!” just loudly enough for everyone to hear
Still a very good boi….
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
[At Doctor]
Me:I’m having chest pain
Doc:Did you buy a new bra?
Me:Yes! Thanks for noticing!
Doc:I meant it could be causing the pain
Me:Oh
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
DAUGHTER: Mom asked me to check on you and the eggnog making
ME [wrestling a screaming chicken into a blender full of milk]: GRAB ITS LEGS
[me on a ledge]
COP: (through megaphone) WE’VE CALLED SOMEONE WHO CAN HELP!
*Kris Kross steps out of a police van*
I’m a self-made hundredaire
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
pitch: he’s a man who’s a doctor
tv execs: go on
pitch: but he is better than other doctors
tv execs: *nodding enthusiastically*
pitch: because of his Condition
tv execs: *sobbing, screaming, foaming at the mouth* this must be the only kind of show on the air from now on
Become a parent, so you can be accused of “using up all the internet” when Fortnite glitches for a millisecond.
the worst words you can hear after putting something in the dishwasher: “that’s clean”
I always look for the best looking cashier at the supermarket and always end up at the self checkout lane
I was caught in a nuclear reactor with a jar of spiders in my pocket, so now I’m half man, half jar.
Sometimes I think we are capable of great things as a species, but then I notice how many people can’t put their shopping cart away.
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Our parenting style can best be described as:
Bad cop,
Bozo cop
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
Replaced my shoelaces with ear buds and now they tie themselves.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.