Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

This looks like a job for Superman!
-unemployed Superman reading the classifieds

Showed my 9yo some of his newborn pics and he very helpfully pointed out that I looked a lot younger back then

You’re 11. RT @pepsi: A Pepsi party means _____. #LiveForNow

At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.

In my neighborhood, when things are left by the curb, they’re free to take.

Officer: “Ma’am please step out of the Amazon truck.”

FINDERS KEEPE *gets tased*

do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?

My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?

Also my kid: Which way does the L go?

🎶🎶🎵🎵
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands
If they really seem to hate you clap your hands
If they’re only ever whining
And it makes you feel like crying
If your toddler seems to hate you clap your hands

Every time my phone rings

“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”

I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.

HR: Do you know why you’re here?

Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?

HR:

Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?

HR:

Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?

HR:

Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.

Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit

Saw a “Toby Keith’s I Love This Bar” that went out of business. Apparently he was the only one.

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

Them: How long can you hold your breath?

Me: 20 years, apparently.

A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.

Her: You need to stop playing video games.

Me: Why?

Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!

Me:

It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.

If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.

Did you get that psychic damage I sent you

Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.

The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language

Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year

Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”

Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”

Him: What’s wrong with the dog?
Me: Vet thinks he ate bird poo.
Him: What kind of bird poo?
Me: Idk…a duck, a cardinal, a pterodactyl…does it matter?
Him: You and I both know that if our dog ate pterodactyl poo it ABSOLUTELY DOES matter…
Me:
Him: (whispers) It does matter.

I have 12 days until I have to change my password at work and can’tuse any of the last 15 passwords I have used, long story short, I’m going to need a new job.

Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”