Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tip for twitter newbies:

Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.

I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.

I’m stuck in a meeting where a guy keeps saying “utilize” and “leverage” and I’m wondering if I should tell him about the word “use”.

“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.

ME: They call me Mr Universe

DATE: You workout?

ME: I’m constantly expanding

You’d be amazed at the number of people that like Piña Coladas and getting caught in the rain who also have a suspended drivers license.

Sorting out the photos on my phone now would be too easy. No, I’m going to wait another 5 years for when I’ve got several billion more

CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?

CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..

CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that

Get in the car. We’re either getting ice cream or committing arson. I’ll decide on the way

My superpower is convincing my family I spent all day cleaning by lighting a few candles

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

Anna one, Anna two….

I’m still laughing .

“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook

Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.

*job interview*

Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?

Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job

Please pray for my friends’ 4 yr old. I just found out that ten minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or documented on Facebook today.

My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me

FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can

Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.

If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.

*First Date

Her: Why are we at Home Depot?

Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.

Me: home is where the heart is.

Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.

just woke up in a cold sweat screaming “WHY DIDN’T HAWK TUAH GIRL CALL IT SPITCOIN”

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me

So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff

Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis

ME: *traps a spider under a glass*

ROOMMATE: Now what?

ME: *ear to glass* We eavesdrop on him.

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

Me: how much for the seal Dracula

Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus

Her: So, are you seeing anyone?

Me: You mean like a therapist or hallucinations?

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.