Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

What’s the name of that drink? “The Will Smith”?

My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”

Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime

Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.

–Moms

My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.

tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light

Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.

Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.

Baby Timberlake: ACHOO!

*Both Timberlake parents reach for a tissue*

Justin: OMG we are so…

Jessica: DON’T say it.

Justin: …N*Sync

I bet when the toaster came out everyone was happy they didn’t have to throw their bread at lightning anymore.

Hey pals! I’ve been on a break from making comics but you can read two new ones right here:

You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.

classic mixup

I opened a door for a girl, but then the crowd flow never stopped so I’ve been holding this door open for 3 days.

Send help.

think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me

CAPTCHA: select all the boxes that contain love

HADDAWAY: shit

Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: Si

This is why I’m crazy.

Me: I hope I get a good night’s sleep.

My dog at 1 AM: Hey I just did a huge diarrhea on the carpet.

If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.

[ asteroid approaching earth ]

me: *slapping baseball mitt*

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

Next time a man invites me to his house without getting to know me, I’m going to go but I’m going to steal his microwave plate. Like straight up take that shit.

Creative Problem Solving

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!

Therapist: You seem annoyed & distant today

Whatever, I write on a tiny piece of paper before sending it across the room via carrier pigeon

“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry