“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
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To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
Guy in the parking lot tried to sell me a “Rolex” watch. I should probably change because I must look stupid today.
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
[interview at Bass Pro Shops]
So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: *dressed in camouflage* Wait, you can see me?!
Find someone who will worry about you like the way my Amazon delivery guy does when I don’t order anything in more than two days
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Me: *levitating, a jumble of furniture swirls chaotically around me*
Him: so, you still mad?
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
My husband noticed my wedding rings on the dresser and was upset about me not having a visible sign of our covenant to each other
I told him the bags under my eyes said taken loud and clear
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Maybe it’s love, or maybe she just can’t unclasp that damn bracelet on her wrist without help
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’m reading a podiatrist handbook. All it contains is footnotes
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.