is nasa ok
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My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: We’ve been in lockdown for two months now and we’ve simply run out of conversation.
Satan: And that’s why you summoned me?
My wife: Yeh.
Satan:
Me:
My wife: So… how are you?
I hate it when people say “Oh, I’m a vegetarian except for fish”.
Yeah? And I’m a non-smoker except for cigarettes. #WorldVeganDay
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.
Guy at the airport bar is hitting on my gf directly next to me and i can finally watch youtube videos with both headphones on now that shes occupied
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
me: i’m proposing to my gf
sonic the hedgehog: that’s awesome man
me: i need a ring lol
sonic: *nervous* haha
me: *pulling out a baseball bat*
I’m 5’4″ – if I was supposed to be the bigger person, God would have made me taller
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
What a tense, tense day 4/19 was. Maybe tomorrow, somehow, will be a little mellower.
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Soldier Dying on Omaha Beach.
“dont forget to tell my wife i love her…
and…and…honor me every year with a
…..mattress sale.”
the reason there are no time machines arriving from the future is that in the year 2040, the contract to make them goes to Boeing
If you say liberry instead of library, we can definitely be friends because I will always feel like the smart friend
Be honest, the only reason our generation played outside more as kids is because we had really shitty graphics back then.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
I only have 4 months left on that mirror I broke in 2005.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
A woman on tiktok joked her house was haunted and then was digging in her backyard to build a firepit and came across a rug buried 2.5 feet deep and was urged to call police who sent 2 cadaver dogs and they both signaled for a dead body and now half her yard’s a crime scene
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
[During sex]
ME: Am I making you wet?
HER: Yes
ME: Sorry I’ll tone down the crying
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
