is nasa ok
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Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
GF: that spoon is still dirty
ME: but I just got it out of the dishwasher
GF: I can see the mayo on it
ME: yeah but it’s clean mayo now
I cleaned the cabinet windows and now you can see how untidy it is inside.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
me: [listening to The Twelve Days of Christmas] “no person wants this many birds”
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
My 8yo: I found a penny on the ground.
Me: That’ll bring you good luck!
8yo: I’d rather have a hundred dollar bill bring me good luck.
son: hey dad
me: [picks up phone, dials 9] yes
son: now don’t get mad
me: [dials 1] ok
son: do we have a fire extinguisher
me: [dials 1]
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
They should do a Calculator App Wrapped where it shows you the dumbest calculations you did this year. Real moron stuff like 20% off 20, or 1×8, or 6+9
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
The first time your kids play together quietly and you skip checking in on them is the last time you don’t get up like a bat outta hell to see what’s up.
my cat: *hacking up a hairball*
my german neighbor: holy shit that cat is talking
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Me: McDonald’s aren’t the only ones with a golden arch
Guy at urinal next to me:
(using my powers as an empath) this dungeon… it has bad vibes
I had a boyfriend once….right up until the moment my dad asked him “so what do you do?” and he replied your daughter.
He’s Dead.
No thanks spider hanging from my front door casing. I’ll go around back.