Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
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How to keep the seat next to you empty.
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
When a Star Trek baddie suffers cardiac arrest, and you have defibrillator paddles right there, what do you do? Shock a Khan. Shock a Khan.
One time I screamed so hard about a professional athlete not playing through an injury I blew out my back and couldn’t work for a week.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
FRIEND: What do you think?
ME: *passing joint* Hell yes!
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
DATE:I have 2 kids
ME:I love kids!
D:Good! They-
M:Wait, the human or goat kind?
D:
M:*Trying to contain excitement* Is-is it the goat kind?
A moment of silence for the paycheck that was in my account for five minutes.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
#MeanwhileInCanada
Deciding to work in HR is like choosing to be the dorm RA for the rest of your life
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
just leaving a message to let you know I got your text
– voicemails from my dad
“I’m on my way.” -People who haven’t even left the house yet.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
Male response to “How’s it going” severity scale
Pretty good – Not good
Can’t complain – Rough couple of weeks
It’s going – Alcohol and cigarettes are keeping him going
Just another day in paradise – Hates his job, wife and life
Things couldn’t be better – Going to park on the train tracks
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Attention, Auto-Correct – it’s never “He’ll yeah!” Stop trying!
mark zuckerberg is so rich that if he gets hit in the face with a cream pie, it is not worth his time to clean it off. he just walks around like that all day