Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
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I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
me: i wanna see how high this cliff is
Charles Darwin: ok, go ahead
me: ill jump off and you count how long im in the air
Charles Darwin: wait but that could ki-
me: what
Charles Darwin:
me: that could what Charles
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
If you need a ride to the airport, give me at least two weeks notice so I’ll have a chance to clear my schedule and die
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Dance like nobody’s watching except God, the NSA, and Santa Claus.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
Parenting toddlers: [stressing out because they never stop talking]
Parenting teenagers: [stressing out because they never talk]
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
FASHION BOSS: any new ideas?
ME: how about a shirt with a hat
F: so a hoodie?
M: I call it a shat and as I say it out loud I hear my mistake
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
Skeletor: Nice ride
He-Man: Thanks
Skeletor: Prince Adam has a pet tiger too
He-Man: Yeah? Complete different guy though
Watching a movie on the plane? No thanks. Watching my seatmate’s movie with no audio and not understanding what’s going on for over an hour? Yassss.
Got in a bar fight for calling celery ‘nature’s dental floss’
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
If you cannot hold a poker face don’t bother becoming a parent because if you can’t sell, and I mean truly sell it when you tell your 4 year old that there are no actual tomatoes in tomato sauce, she will never agree to eat pizza again
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Mum: Oh I’ve always wanted to try one of these , *leans in* Alexa, what’s your name?
Me:
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops