Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
I’m starting a Kickstarter to bring a lion from Africa and let it loose in a dentist’s office.
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
Dogs are like chicken nuggets; every time I see one, I want it.
Crowdstrike : its fine u just have to manually visit the PC boot it into safe mode and remove a sys file
US Organization with 50,000 pcs and a completely outsourced IT department in Bangalore : what
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
Here to help
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
me working on my assignments ^-^
“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! 😹
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
i just really want crab legs
..not to eat or anything, no, i just wanna scuttle across the floor and see who runs in terror from me
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
I need someone else to prevent forest fires for like 10 minutes.
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
teacher: we found drugs in your son’s school bag
me: oh wow ok
teacher: it’s worrying
me: very *rubbing chin* he should’ve sold them all by now