Is no one else a little relieved the affair was with a person
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my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Why is it called a bathroom towel and not a john linen?
The way my parents talk about their new cat, you’d think they didn’t already have 3 kids and 4 grandkids.
The kids of today have no respect. They’re rude, lazy and swear to make themselves look big and cool
Nothing at all like us…
Bro is the definition of a new yorker 😭 😭
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
The Ugly Duckling is my favorite story about how everything is okay as long as you eventually become hot.
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it
[office]
JERRY: Close the door! Were you born in a barn? Haha
{later}
HR: We recieved a complaint from Bessie
JERRY: Bessie?
HR: In accounting
JERRY: Uh…
HR: The dairy cow
JERRY: Oh right, Bessie
HR: Turns out she was born in a ba-
JERRY: Yes, I see where this is going
My superpower is morphing my political views to align perfectly with whoever is driving my Uber.
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
“The bond’s Name. James Name”
Pleased to… what?
“Bond Name’s the james”
Are you alright?
“Bames Nond’s having a stronk, call a Bondulance”
9 was yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc he couldn’t do his maths homework so I sat down with him to help and now 9 and I are both yelling and throwing pencils & books around bc we can’t do his maths homework
[after sex]
Me: is that a tattoo of Sebastian the crab?
Her: yeah, I love crabs
Me: then I have some GREAT news!
But have you tried acting like a cicada and screaming nonstop until someone has sex with you?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
The date didn’t go well but she was nice enough to send a PDF of everything I did wrong afterwards.
There should be a hotline you can call where you can safely pronounce words you’ve only ever read out loud for the first time, and they say “oh sweetie” and kindly explain how it’s pronounced.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.