Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[sound of can opening]

wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?

me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday

wife: but we’re still at church

Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.

An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

I hate Apps that shut off your music when u open them like how fu****ng important do you think you are?

I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.

Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?

My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.

Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.

Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?

I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.

My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.

him: you any good at throwing axes

me: just call me lizzie borden

I go to seductively boop your nose but my finger pierces straight through the back of your skull.

“Sorry, I’ve been working out.” I say.

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have

My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.

waitress on law & order: oh yeah, he came in for lunch three months ago with a pretty brunette. they sat at table 3 and had an argument

me as a waitress: you’re telling me this man with a limp, a scar, and a funny hat came in yesterday? sure, maybe. don’t remember

Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.

Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.

Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“

Me: He’s trying to silence me.

I really do like you, but I only share my alcohol with people I really like.

Me muttering when my husband takes a sip of my drink.

“Somebody needs to go to the store!”-mom yelling from the kitchen

“Jason, you think you’re somebody. Why don’t you go to the store?”- Dad

I’m doing the lords work (judging)

My type is 12 pt Helvetica.

I forgot the word “espresso” so I asked the barista for a smaller, angrier coffee

I found a bat in my basement & my first reaction was to run to the door so the light could get in, because I saw it done in a vampire movie.

A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

I have Tourettes syndrome, but instead of swearing, I yell out movies that Nicolas Cage has been in

[God Creating Raccoons]

God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food

-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!

A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.