Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[first day as a cashier]

*intercom* can I get a price check on…die john mustard.

Sometimes I’ll take such a good picture of someone I’m like “this is definitely making it into the slide show at their funeral.”

Friend: did you know that only female mosquitos bite?

*later walking home*

Me, getting eaten alive: evening ladies

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair

If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.

I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.

News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.

Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.

Ghosting someone sounds like a euphemism for murder.

News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”

They have hover bears?

jealous again

Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!

Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!

Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie

*takes guests to the grocery store*

Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul

I used to hate flying. I thought the plane would go down. But now I just bring my wife with me on the plane because my wife never goes down.

[lying in bed]

Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women

ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!

One day, when my kids are grown with their own homes, I’ll come over, grind food into all of their keyboards and lie about it.

Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.

I’m not saying I hate you, what I’m saying is that you are literally the Monday of my life.

Women aren’t complicated. Just give us attention and leave us alone.

What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one

Pretty nervous about the guy who dropped out of mechanic school the second they showed us how to cut a brake line.

Me: I’d like to have this deer mounted.

Taxidermist: But it’s still alive.

Me: I’ll give you two some privacy.

♫When the moon hits your eye♫

You’ll be killed.

It’s massive.

Yeah. Spring cleaning is going well, thanks.

mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren’t being eaten. So. I guess it’s probably horrified-screaming my language.

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.

at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭