is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Hate flying? Try American Airlines. They do too.
Thinking about becoming a yak farmer, gonna run this by the HOA
oh u like history? name everything that happened
My kids keep asking for a cat, so tonight we’re watching Pet Cemetery.
People that say a watched pot never boils clearly don’t understand the second law of thermodynamics or are blind.
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
My dog wakes me up at 5am every morning to go outside for a shit, which is great because otherwise I’d probably do it in the bed.
The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
Happy Star Trick Day.
May you go forth with the confidence of baby Yoda.
How many tricks you get today anyway?
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
If my 5yo’s teacher can’t read the Thank You card he writes, that’s on her.
[Calling a guy for the 1st time]
Him: Hello
Me: Helloooooo!!! *in Mrs. Doubtfire’s voice*
*panics, hangs up*
Me, homeschooling:
If a train leaves the west coast at 7:00am traveling 60 mph and one leaves the east coast at 9:00am traveling 45 mph then what time will I get drunk and drop kick my neighbors garden gnome?
Annoy a Boomer today. Take your time vacating the pickleball court.
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
me: [jumping out of a cake]
skydiving instructor: really not necessary for the experience
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome