Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.
[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of
He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.
She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.
Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.
[repeatedly mashing elevator button]
him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker
[starts licking elevator button]
I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.