@jonnysun

is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

You Might Also Like

@TheAndrewNadeau

Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.

@TheMichaelRock

I’m sorry I tweeted about the same topic as someone else, but in my defense, I haven’t read the entire internet yet.

@captainkalvis

[my dog runs up to me, bone in his mouth]
you better stop bringing these back, we’ve got like 200 more to dispose of

@capnmcfword

He always wanted a woman that would devour him whole like a gas station roasted chicken.

She always wanted a gas station roasted chicken.

@leonardcowalski

If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it

@DanMentos

eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots

@daemonic3

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

@thebeckyard

Accidentally used 13’s shower gel, so I just copped a huge attitude, yelled at everyone and slammed some doors.

@MarfSalvador

[repeatedly mashing elevator button]

him: you know that doesn’t make it come any quicker

[starts licking elevator button]

@mishakey

I just had ‘the talk’ with my kid. You know, the one where you break the news that Batman isn’t real.