is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies

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99% Indians work on the Principle of Rockets.

It doesn’t mean we aim for the sky.

It means, we don’t start work unless our tail is on fire


The real walk of shame is having to waddle to the hall closet to get toilet paper because you didn’t check before engaging the launch code.


Forgot to buy a gift for a friends Wedding. Luckily someone died at an intersection nearby so I scored a cool wooden cross and a teddy bear


Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.


Me: So, what was the issue?

Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.



Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.


Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.


PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.

ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.


ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?



[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing

[later, at my place]

Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom