Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Time heals all wounds.

Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.

My eyebrows look like two caterpillars in a heated argument.

I threw some bird seed on my lawn earlier and now there are dozen of them out there which is amazing because I thought it would take ages for them to grow

What my husband said: How about you run to Target for cleaning supplies and I’ll hang with the kids

What I heard: How about you run to Target alone so you have the freedom to spend this months mortgage payment on unnecessary home decor and a 2020 calendar that you’ll never use

*eats pizza out of box in bed

*falls asleep

*wakes up next to leftover pizza

Voila! Breakfast in bed!

Vampire: Velcome to your 500s, you keep forgetting garlic can keel you.

If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices

Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.

Man, I wish they still made sticks.

As a holiday tradition on Christmas Day, all Christmas presents are checked with our drug dog.

Those deemed suspicious, are mine.

Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

What a shocker.

I just ran my car through the car wash.
And it turns out the car is white.

He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.

– E.T. (1982) PG

I fell in love with a female electrician.

…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.

WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume

Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?

Sorry I’m late, there was an octopus throwing pies at me so I was literally… Occupied

Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish

it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Terrible heart surgeon.

i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot

My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.

Terminally online people getting ready to drop the VP pick in the group chat the second it’s announced.

My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that

Dear Captchas,

I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid

Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.

cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck

The cashier just checked me out.

Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.