is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
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Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
My dentist can do it all, from a simple cleaning to identifying my charred remains
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
My son patted my arm lovingly and said sweetly, ‘you are not the meanest mom,’ so now I know what to put on my new coffee mug.
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
LOL
Two wolves ? more like a hyena carcass and a dust bunny.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
I’m absolutely irreplaceable at my place of employment. As long as they never try replacing me with a block of wood.
wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car
New hires be happy af 😂😂 You bouta see why we was hiring 🤣
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
[therapy]
“Where does your fear of spiders come from?”
*flashback to Spider-Man trying to kiss me behind Applebees*
They’re just creepy okay
[God creating vultures]
How about a goth flamingo?
I always forget that Justin Bieber is Canadian, and then I remember that one of his biggest hits was called “Sorry”.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.