Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
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a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
People joke that soup acts “all dramatic” when you put it in a microwave, but if you put those same people in a microwave, they would freak out. Hypocrites.
You can do whatever you want to do in life as long as you live in a Hallmark movie
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
If the apocalypse was happening the news would have some sort of tracker for it and multiple experts in studio debating about whether it was good or not.
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Technically, all the money I have ever spent on food has been flushed down the toilet.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
*seductively slides hand along store shelf to distract you*
*grabs last bag of Cheetos*
*tucks, rolls, and runs away*
Have the confidence of an older white man welcoming you to a dinosaur park
I miss the days when people used to be less nostalgic.
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Vote for me I’ll cut the alphabet in half
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
No matter what country you’re from, how you identify yourself or what you believe in, you’ve tried to move objects with your mind before.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
he looks great for his age
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
ME: It’s about the journey, not the destination, Sharon
HER: You don’t know how to steer this hovercraft do you?
ME: I do not.
wife calling me in the grocery store: where are you???
me: i’m over in the cereal.
wife: but i’m in the cereal aisle.
me: *whispers* open the box.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.