Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.

Pro tip- stick AirTags on your kids before you hit up the corn maze this year and you can drink spiked cider in peace.

If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient

Hide her markers

And wait…

* Gets fired *

Well….my job is done here.

1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store

DOCTOR: when was the last time you exercised?

ME: *thinking about holding the thermometer under my tongue* dude you were there

*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*

*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-

ope

17 told me I was “mid.” I don’t know what that means, but I’m going to change the WI-FI password about it.

[Orca Winfrey Show]

ORCA: “You get a carp! You get a carp! You get a carp!

AQUATIC AUDIENCE: *just screaming their gills off*

dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment

I can feel my cat judging me as I lick the spilt gravy off of her coat.

[Getting back into van after museum heist]

Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?

I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.

*works out for 75 mins

*eats an entire batch of cookie dough

therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?

me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me

therapist: no

[First day as pirate]

*sword tip pokes me in back*
*sighs*
*walks plank*

Me: Whatever, y’all are out of rum anyway.
Him: You drank it all!

*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way

waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?

I found your tweet-up…

This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead

Had a job interview at a mirror store today and I gotta say I could really see myself working there

sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista

OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut

This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.

“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”

I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.

Self checkout is amazing for introverts until the machine breaks and two employees have to come fix it while you wait

I’m going back to work tomorrow after the holiday break, which means playing that annual game:

What food is rotting in the office kitchen?

Did you know that cows kill more people than sharks?

I’m surprised that cows kill any sharks at all.

Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!

Me: idiot

Whenever I have to park in a bad neighbourhood I leave my Blackberry in plain sight so people know there’s nothing worth stealing in my car

DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.