Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.

I don’t know much about friends with benefits but i’m always carrying a snack or two if that counts

Please don’t ruin Breaking Bad for me… I’m only at the part where A texts Aria, Spencer, Hanna and Emily

Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil

HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home

Orange: Knock knock

Apple: Who’s there?

O: Orange

A: Orange who?

O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?

A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!

I feel sorry for dogs. They learnt to fetch newspapers, but newspapers are dying. Killed by an internet driven by cats.

My OnlyFans would be me editing your papers before you submit them.

OnlyFANS = Only Flawless Apostrophes ‘N Spelling

2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 Single

Reward me for consistency please

i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

Santa saw your nudes and he’s getting you moisturizer, and a good razor.

2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.

I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.

My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.

[at quick clinic]

Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?

Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.

Someone put a scale in the office kitchenette with a sign up sheet for “new year new you” this is an act of terrorism and I will be engaging in hand to hand combat with them at noon today

Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.

Her: What’s your type?

Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.

Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.

HOW DARE YOU

I’m not exaggerating when I say I’m into old guys — the last guy I dated had an aol email address.

*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*

Repeat

Sad that 25 years ago Homer Simpson seemed like a looser in American culture and now it’s like: “Whoa…that guy has a job AND owns a home?”

I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.

How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?

“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.

They say you should eat 6 small meals a day to lose weight so being an overachiever I have been eating 26 a day.

Give me the unsend button you stupid bird

It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.

Husband: Let’s role play.

Me: Okay.

H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.

Me: I quit.