Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: you have to be nice or Santa won’t bring you any toys this year

5:

me:

5: my brother lets me play with his

Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths

[on a farm]

Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do that

Farmer: Go ahead!

Me: *stands next to a bucket*

All 3 accessible parking places in the school parking lot were taken by parents without accessible placards. So I parked sideways behind them and blocked all three in with my placard displayed. 😘

[at the auto parts store]

Me: I need windshield wipers for my Chryler

Counter Guy: What size engine

People who complain that my Christmas gifts are “stupid” and “thoughtless” clearly have no idea how hard it is to wrap a pineapple.

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”

Went for a run and now I have to find a way to trade my body in for scrap

CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

COVID-19, economic collapse, quarantine, shortages…2020 can’t get any worse, you said?

Facebook has announced it’s created rooms for Messenger.

God help us.

I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.

-Every girl, ever.

Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”

I said ” scissors” and drove off

I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not

Husband: *belches

Me: Exactly!

Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community

Dear Electric Company,

You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.

-My family, every summer.

Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”

Me: “Nope.”

Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”

If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.

Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby

Shorty got
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
⚪️ low
🔘 all of the above

I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.

I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.

I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.

If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.

“My lawyer will have me out in an hour.”

The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed