@bridger_w

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

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@NutellaV

I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.

@wickedsuga

If the bride tosses you the bouquet, how long are you allowed to beat her with it?

@TheAlexNevil

Once bitten, twice shy.
Except if you were bitten by a shark. Then you might be dead, and shyness won’t be an issue.

@Ilovelamp1979

This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.

@kumailn

“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed

@Tw1tter_K1tten

This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.

@curlycomedy

You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”

@Femi_17

Can I call you?
Crush: Yes
Errm, I called but you didn’t pick
Crush: I said you could call, I never said I’d pick up

@HatfieldAnne

Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*