Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

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I fold my laundry just like everyone else. About 3 weeks after the dryer buzzes.


If the bride tosses you the bouquet, how long are you allowed to beat her with it?


Once bitten, twice shy.
Except if you were bitten by a shark. Then you might be dead, and shyness won’t be an issue.


This could be the LSD talking, but I’m pretty sure I’d be more comfortable riding on the roof of the car.


“I bet all those murders are done by that hooded guy whose always running around rooftops w 17 weapons on him.”-Nobody in Assassin’s Creed


This medicine says I should not operate heavy machinery, so I guess I won’t be doing laundry for the next two weeks. Safety first.


You have to appreciate the microwave when the directions on a frozen meal say, “Cook on High for 2 minutes. Or put it in a conventional oven for five days.”


Can I call you?
Crush: Yes
Errm, I called but you didn’t pick
Crush: I said you could call, I never said I’d pick up


Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*