Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
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I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Me: No glove no love.
Gyno: Please don’t make another pap uncomfortable.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
I know “hate” is a strong word but there’s really no other way to describe my feelings for people getting cars for Christmas in tv commercials
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
What did I do before Twitter? Well, there’s my family and……OH MY GOD WHERE’S MY FAMILY?!?!
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
“I like your skinny jeans, are they new?”
No, I bought them 15lbs ago
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)
13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
*trying to explain to the dog why we aren’t keeping the 3 foot traffic cone he found* listen babe I know you’re colorblind so this is a little hard to understand, but it matches literally nothing in the house. you’re going to obliterate the vibe.
There should be a job like: divorce doula. I’ll help you find a lawyer, convince you that you’re enough, take you out for drinks, let you vent & cry during that hard 18 months, eventually convince you that a $70 sex toy can replace anyone. Start to finish divorce support.
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
wife: *from the kitchen* sweetie, where are the coffee filters?
me:
When faced with a dilemma, I just whisper softly to myself
” What would Homer Simpson do?”
6yo granddaughter: wonder how far this will go
Twists doll head til it snaps off
Screeches “mom!!!”
Me: you’d make a rotten serial killer
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
EVERYONE FREEZE THIS IS A ROBBERY!
“What’s that?”
It…it’s a sawed-off shotgun.
“Aren’t you supposed to use the other half?”
…shit.
Expect the unexporcupine.
Wondering how long it’ll take for my boyfriend to realize every time he’s told me he loves me I’ve said I love YouTube
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
I got excited when my son joined the cross-country team. But then I learned they don’t cross the country and are back home in a few hours.
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.