@bridger_w

Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?

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@donjuantip

Your cell should have a ‘drunk mode’ like ‘airplane mode’ so that no text messages or tweets leave your phone but you can still call a taxi.

@bartandsoul

My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”

@TheAndrewNadeau

BILBO: *Blows smoke ring*

GANDALF: *Blows smoke ship that goes through smoke ring*

BILBO: It’s okay to just let some things be about other people.

@CrockettForReal

Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy

@GensPlace

Took nephew out for lunch. The waitress asked what he’d like.

After a stunned silence, I explained ‘quiche’ was not pronounced ‘quickie’.

@joetullar123456

What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car

@BuckyIsotope

My rap name is Weapons of Mass Destruction because you go in thinking I’m going to destroy you but it turns out I’ve got absolutely nothing.

@alive_and_dying

One day, when you least expect it, every single one of your problems will finally be gone. Oddly enough, so will you.

@UncleDuke1969

HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don’t want to.
HER: C’mon.
ME: No, I’m bad at it.
HER: I’m sure you’re not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.