Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes

If you’re over 60, don’t shovel snow

I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie

This could be us but you eatin’

Can you solve the riddle??

Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”

Me: “Fred or Ben?”

I really wish I could hug some of you and maybe set fire to a few of you.

God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”

Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.

So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ

If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.

My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.

wife: the turn was back there

me: i know that, k- omg, i almost called you karen. i’ve been on twitter too much

wife: my name is karen

me: ughh this is different, karen

[first day as a buddhist] go ahead. name a person more patient than me. i’ll wait.

Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment

If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead

I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.

Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”

I’m not intimidated by a pretty woman.

I’m intimidated by smart women, who happen to be pretty.

When you pick your nose after dusting the house

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Birds are dinosaurs? No. I want dinosaurs here or I want them completely gone. I don’t need a bullshit imitation dinosaur to shit on my car.

Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.

“40 is the new 30!” My dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Banned from driving.

overheard someone asking my wife how we met, and she replied “he was a fancy wooden horse to my Troy” and on one hand: that’s beautiful, but on the other hand: 😕

Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.

I’ve counted 8 people so far whose New Years resolutions include “loose weight”. Can I add spelling to your list too?

I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.

Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace