Is “oppressive” too harsh or do I just stick with “hostile work environment”?
I was told “you’re not my Dad anymore” and I’m updating my resume.
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Cheese seller: Is there a problem with your Limburger?
Cannibal: Buddy, there are zero limbs in this thing
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin
Stop undressing me with your eyes!!
Use your teeth.
In addition to the usual teeth cleaning pain, my wonderful dental hygienist heard “Runaway Train” come on and said “oh I haven’t heard the Goo Goo Dolls in years” and it was like 5 excruciating minutes before I could sputter “Soul Asylum”
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
Music with headphones while vacuuming is not a good idea.
I just finished the whole house and the vaccum wasn’t even plugged in.
My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Never thought I’d be THAT person, but here I am, 40 years old, wondering why the hell my neighbor’s kid has friends over OUTSIDE at 10 pm on a school night. And you better believe I looked up the noise regulations in our area.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
One time I saw a biker’s funeral procession and realized even dead people are cooler than me.
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? It’s because you are feeding them bread Karen.
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
Some people exercise every day.
I’m trying to teach my self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
How am I today? Well it’s officially day four of me arguing in my mind with a person who took my spot in line for party balloons
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
I will not be participating in the end of daylight savings time on the grounds that setting my clock back will add an hour to 2020.
My buddies and I used to play bank account chicken where you wire them the full contents of your account and say “bet you won’t send it back” but our wives made us stop