“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
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I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Banderslack Clamberdorch
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
i just found out that tumblr went to town on this venn diagram i made
i think anyone who has ever had beautiful styled hair or tried to hold a big pile of leaves in their hands will know the trouble a gust of wind can cause.
3yo: Who ate all my chips?!!
Me: You ate all your chips.
3yo: I’m so sad all because of my own self.
Me: Buckle up, it gets worse.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
The older I get, the less ‘life in prison’ becomes a deterrent.
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
“our sushi is very fresh”
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
Narcissus fell in love with his own image, but was immediately annoyed at how it always tried to talk while he was talking.
🗽
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Job interview…
H- “So how would you describe yourself?”
Me- “Verbally but just incase I prepared a dance”..
[dog training]
Me: *hand out* Paw….paw…
Dog: *sits there*
Me: What’s wrong, boy?
Dog: *hands me Purell*
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Of course I have critical thinking skills I’m thinking critically of you right now.