Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.

(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.

Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️

That’s someone else’s problem.

-me, putting back a pen that wouldn’t write

Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.

[first day as news anchor]
Me [tryin not to laugh readin report about a man gettin kicked by a horse]: hes said to be in a stable condition

Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.

Saving my good tweets for marriage

You’re on your deathbed. You gather the strength to utter your last words “Boxers with pockets,” you say. “You’ll never have to wear pants.”

My nickname in high school was “who?”

I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still

“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock

Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration

My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.

my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.

We have a winner.

I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”

interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]

Whoever said “There is nothing as precious as a child’s laughter” obviously never fell down a flight of stairs in front of his kids.

Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies

I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO

hello 911?
ok first of all, happy new year

damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about

Life hack: If you throw an old toilet and some spare tires in your front lawn, legally you don’t have to mow it

Hey, don’t blame me for all of the craziness in this world. I was raised by a green frog named Kermit, a diva pig named Ms. Piggy, and a brown bear named Fozzie who was totally wacka, wacka, wacka.

Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour

i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one

ok wait i got 66 problems

People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.

Since 1994 my New Year resolution has been the same. Don’t get murdered by Courtney Love.

My aunts (who are twins) were gonna have a joint 60th bday party, but they got into a fight. Now they’re doing two separate parties on the same day and they’re asking everyone to choose 😩