Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens

[interviewing babysitter]

me: how much do you charge?

ipad:

I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this

I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.

Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.

Someone asked me what role I would play in a zombie apocalypse and I’d love to say I’d be some heroic zombie slayer but in my heart I know I’m the guy who gets bit and lies to everyone about it

I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city

instructions: stir halfway through cooking then put back in microwave

me: oui chef

My coworker snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.

In related news, hiding a body is not as easy as you think.

If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?

Son: daddy what happens to our poopy when we flush it?

Me: our poopy collects in what’s called a septic tank where it forms with all our other poopies to become one giant poopy monster waiting on our command to rise and destroy all our enemies.

Wife: okay no.

Just because someone smiles a lot doesn’t mean they’re nice. Take alligators for example.

Jumping or hopping seem to be the only way people are able to get in the shower.

😊🦆

Dear Middle School,

How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?

Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot

6: are snakes just neck?

*at bank*
I always think it’s funny when I go to the bank because my last name is Banks
Teller: “haha. First name?”
*Pulls out gun*
Robin

I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy

Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies

HIM: Happy birthday, honey! I got you a gift basket, just like you wanted

HER: Oh thanks! What’s in it?

HIM: What do you mean, “in it”?

One time I was talking to a really cute med student, we were flirting and laughing and it all looked promising. Then I sat down on a chair and it collapsed under me and shattered.

Anyway that was 26 years ago and I haven’t sat down since.

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.

My resume says, “Gimme a job,” and I’ve had four recruiters reach out because I was so direct.

Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.

US Loretta Lynch confirms that all 7 FIFA officials dramatically threw themselves onto the ground faking injury when arrested earlier today.

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.

You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.

Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date