“Is Pepsi okay?”
– waitress slowly leafing through Pepsi’s disturbing drawings.
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Dear commercial pitching me how much my funeral will cost,
It’s not going to cost ME anything.
#milo
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
The alphabet starts off kinda slow, but once you get past K, hot damn does it get good
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
me: you know what, make it a double
proctologist: what?
women don’t pretend to dig for something in their purse and pull out their middle finger anymore
imagine how angry bear grylls’ wife would be if he didn’t like what she cooked for dinner
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Blood is thicker than water. Maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
The worst part of getting struck by lightning is everyone seeing your skeleton
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
Midwest trash talk
I love the smell of a camp fire. It reminds me of the night we kille….
…..I just love smell of campfires.
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
finally found a reasonable question
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”