Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
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Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
“Wash your hair. Wash your body.” Some of my best ideas come to me in the shower
Do not stop by my house unexpectedly then act surprised when I answer the door in my underwear eating baked beans straight from the can.
[at the gym]
Trainer: You want me to spot you, bro?
Waldo: Please don’t do that.
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
My partner is sending me slides from orientation at her new job and it’s all like
– No more than 80 hours per week!
– 4 days guaranteed off per month!
– Shifts are capped at 28 hours!
Me: *walking around, middle finger raised*
Boss: that is NOT a costume..
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
For $60, I will lift the curse. For $75, I will lift the curse & also get bagels.
Apparently, starting an impromptu game of leap frog with somebody bending over to tie their shoe is considered rude.
Church is boring.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
[seafood restaurant]
CHEF: where are my shellfish?!
ME: *sneaking Prawn Solo and Luke Sidewalker out the door* quick, the rebel alliance needs you
[Olive Garden]
Me: *walks in*
Hostess: *hands me shovel* Bury the bodies in the back.
Me: Huh?
Hostess: When you’re here you’re family.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
i order my girl scout cookies from several different girl scouts so nobody has a full count of the boxes i’ve eaten i don’t have time for that negativity it’s cookie season goddammit
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.
I’m not saying my life lacks excitement, but I did linger in the room my 6yo was playing in just to watch Barbie breakup with a horse.
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
Everyone keeps returning to the same hypothetical. If loving you is wrong…
Bullshit.
What if loving you is gross? That’s the question.
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court!
Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness
Why is Iron Man’s arch nemesis not Wrinkle Man?