“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
When you realize your football team sucks, and you just ate an entire bag of Halloween candy.
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
wife: maybe u should take out the trash
me: (muttering) maybe I should take YOU out
wife: WHAT
me: U HEARD ME
wife: NO I DIDN’T
me: OH THANK GOD
chat should i buy a house or 1 sabrina carpenter ticket?
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
If only ISIS had kidnapped Liam Neeson’s daughter, none of this would be an issue.
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
At least my meth head neighbor mows his lawn. It’s at 4 am and he’s naked, but still
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
Natty or not?
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
[2am]
wife: where in the hell have you been
me: well the boys and i were at the club-
my sound effects guy: *rap air horns*
me: leonard my god no not right now
Wife: We’re so happy we finish each other’s
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Marriage Counsellor: ok so not happy
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a Product Manager to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “let’s have a follow-up meeting” helps
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[sexting]
He: What are your measurements?
She: 36, 24, 36, 19, 72, 54, 2, 14,
He: WTF
She: I A M T H E K R A K E N
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Hey ghosts, if you can fog up a mirror you can pick up a broom.
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.