“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
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I’m tired of being the strong one. I want to be a noodle.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday
Saw a guy reading a book and writing notes in it. Not enough words in there for ya bud ?
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
ＰＯＯＦ！[ponytail appears]
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Word of advice to all the babies readying to leave the womb: Don’t.
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
Nobody is as conflicted as a Jewish zombie about to eat Kevin Bacon.
(At the Gym)
Manager: Sir…I’m sorry but you’re required to wear a mask at all times on the gym floor.
Me: *sweating, panting and reaching around my face
I think…I think I swallowed it.
Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
[at Eminem show]
Cuz I am / whatever you say I am /
[from crowd]
“Ur a pony! Ur a tablecloth!”
The shapeshifting continues for hours.
Me: Hey, I love your outfit! Where’d you get it?
Store mannequin:
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
Hmmmmm
Are rhetorical questions really necessary?
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
(Adobe CEO’s house)
Like the new couch hun?
Update it.
What about the wallpap…
UPDATE IT ALL.
You’re scaring the ki…
UPDATE THEM TOO…
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.