I’d expect Captain America to be fatter.
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My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
You know you’re getting old when you decide to tell your doctor the actual truth about your alcohol intake.
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
There’s no gangsta way to say “Oopsie Daisy.” I know that now.
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
Apparently drug dealers don’t take Kohl’s cash and they also carry guns, this is not going well.
I’ve just completed a cohort study that confirms people can go longer without sex if they have an adequate supply of chocolate and peanut butter
I call it my Reese’s Thesis
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
I would thrive as a castle guard. Leaning on my spear. Leering at wenches. Move along. Hail citizen. Halt. And so on
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.
[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“You thought I’d like your pretty lights?”
“Recite the alphabet backwards”
“I can’t even do that sober”
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[first day at the cia]
me: where’s the chandelier
boss: what chandelier
me: you know 🎶 party girls don’t get hurt 🎶
boss: that’s sia
me: i know how it’s pronounced i work here
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
I’ve hit rock bottom so many times, I’m building a second home there.
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter