Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?

dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.

Him: You’re sexy as hell.

Her: I’m an atheist.

Him: You’re sexy as vast abysmal and empty nothingness.

Her: Awwwww, thank you.

i like big butts and i cannot lie. this combination of traits has destroyed more professional relationships than you would believe.

My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.

How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..

Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….

Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.

Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?

-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper

computer: create username

me: liamneesonskid

computer: username has been taken

Misery loves company. And from what I can tell, the company she loves is the one where I work.

Outfit choices
Work: jeans & a t-shirt
Hanging out: jeans & a t-shirt
Special event: jeans & a t-shirt
Stalking your ex: jeans & a t-shirt
Having a nice lunch: jeans & a t-shirt
Doctor appt: khakis & a nice shirt so you appear to have it together

I made the mistake of smelling one of my 6yo’s socks to see if it was dirty. I will now just assume all socks are dirty.

Them: Holy shit. How high are you?

Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.

Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.

Me: wanna play would you rather?

Her: sure

Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house

[gutter rattles in the backyard]

Her: *narrows eyes*

technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting

I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.

Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.

My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.

A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.

It was an unexpected LAN slide.

My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.

Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born

Elephant pretends to eat this guys hat

trying to get through to Mozart on the Ouija board I really want him to listen to the Thong Song

I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name

Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?

Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore

*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*

Genie: Probably should have opened with that

someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”

Pro tip: Asking God to smite your enemies will ensure you never get asked to lead the prayer before a family meal again

Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg