Is professional slap fighting still a thing or is all that training I went through being a little brother still useless?
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Age 8: “Being a werewolf would be fun!”
Age 18: “Being a werewolf would solve all my problems.”
Age 28: “Being a werewolf is an escapist power fantasy for emotionally stunted children.”
Age 38: “Being a werewolf would be fun AND it would solve all my problems!”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them
I often think about the time my ex thought I was cheating on him with a craft store
That burrito didn’t agree with me.
And then I was like “Why am I arguing with a burrito?!”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
*gently puts my sense of humor in rice*
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
Her: Do you kik?
Me: Like rocks?
Her: …….
I always carry a piece of paper with me, just in case someone tries to attack me with a rock.
This ebola scare is getting out of hand I just threw ebola at someone who said good morning to me before I had my coffee
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
When a guy jokes about pms, you need to laugh along to show you’re a cool chick, but hold the laugh too long- so he gets scared.
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
Killing Eve is trending and I thought we had a new holiday.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
Girls storing chips in their bras…pfft amateurs. I’ve got spaghetti and half a taco from this afternoon in there
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
I’m not flirting with disaster, we’re eloping.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup
my advice to anyone at an unpaid internship — steal from them. big stuff too. take the copier. roll it right onto the elevator.
Kids: you burned the popcorn
Me: you gave me stretch marks
Being a mom is easy
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
My husband’s solution to us running out of clean cups was to buy more cups. Because not having enough cups was the problem.
[middle school]
Teacher: in 1492 Columbus sailed the ocean blue.
Me: he was actually a horrible person who committed many atrocities.
Teacher:
Me: mass genocide just to name one.
Teacher: *frustrated* ok but I feel like you don’t even want to know what he named his ships.