Dune (2021)
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[man walks into a bar]
Horse bartender: Why the short face? SEE? SEE? IT’S NOT COOL!
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
“Eat your dinner so that lamb didn’t die for nothing” – will ensure you get your daughter’s helping, too.
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
how I passively talk to my kid
“customarily, the clothes go in the hamper”
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
Always the camel, never the toe.
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Don’t judge me for my 2-year-old having a pacifier in her mouth.
Judge me for not having any idea where this pacifier came from.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
Welcome to Insomnia Club. God dammit Bob. BOB. Steve wake Bob up. Steve?
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon
Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?