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Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[makes a voodoo doll of my dad]
[does basic stretches on it every night so he keeps his flexibility well into his 60s]
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
my husband pointed out that i “do a little shoulder dance” when i’m eating a good meal, and with a growing sense of horror, i consider the many amazing meals i’ve eaten with colleagues and bosses…
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.
If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
ME: *coughing* I’m sorry my voice is a little hoarse.
CHESS PLAYER: did.. did you just swallow my knight?
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Interviewer: “need anything before we start?”
Hold on let me get my e-cig out of my PT cruiser
“…Actually the position has been filled”
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Beware of fowl play.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
If you really think about it, extraordinary isn’t that great. It’s just an extra helping of ordinary.
only a short 14,256 hours left on this tuesday
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
British Friend: Bloody hell its 39°; peas are in the pot innit
Me: *no idea what that means* haha same
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose