Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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sorry I didn’t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
When people post about their 5 year olds, they’re talking about wine right?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
WAITER: Can I take your order?
CUSTOMER: I don’t know, can you?
WAITER: …Dad?
CUSTOMER: …son?
[they embrace, finally reunited]
DAD: But seriously, say ‘May I take your order’, you’re embarrassing yourself
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
And can’t believe that neither of them is even the one with brain worms.
August 8
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
One horribly inappropriate comment and you’ll never be shown another baby photo at work ever again. Totally worth it.
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
excuse me
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
9yo: have you heard the song “I like big butts and I cannot lie”?
me: yes, but that song is inappropriate.
9yo: oh… so I should lie?
every time i ask a guy where he got his sunglasses, their answer is like “15 years ago my friend found these on the ground and then he left them in my car. now we both own the sunglasses and we share them. this is my weekend with the sunglasses”
At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
Proof of God(s),Anubis spotted in Alberton,South Australia 😲…
When spiders see you left a pair of shoes in the garage
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.