Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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Missed the ice cream truck today because I was too proud to run. And for what. What honor did that bring me
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
that time my father pronounced ‘hors d’oeuvres’ as ‘horse divorce’ in front of other humans
I asked my 6yo to help me open my mail, so he did it and said “there you go Tommy” which would totally make sense if my name was actually Tommy
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
😂🐈⬛
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
The doctor tried using the stethoscope on CJ and he goes “no no, EYE baby doc” and tried using the stethoscope on the doctor 🤣 doc goes “hey man I worked hard to use this stethoscope, what are your credentials?” Cj goes “im baby” doc goes “ok that’s fair you can go first” 😂😂
“Never let someone else destroy your stuff when you can destroy it yourself”, every kid I know
Have you ever tried archery blindfolded?
You don’t know what you’re missing
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Titanic should have been called “Vacation Boyfriend”
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I’ve banned my kid from his X Box today so he’s gone to a barn on the outskirts of town to dance out his frustrations.
My neighbor with a toddler is over here telling me what life is like with one kid like I got my children in a 3-pack.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.
When someone says “We can still be friends” after a break up it’s like saying…”The dog died but can we still keep it?”