Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
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Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
me: hey your birthday is one day away
6yo: we just call that tomorrow
me:
Me: *picks up regular store brand item instead of economy store brand item*
My family: what’s the occasion?
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
It was difficult as a kid raising two parents on my own.
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
For the past 3 years I’ve been playing this hilarious game where I steal pajamas from women I sleep with. So far I’ve acquired a total of 0 pajamas.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Sometimes I dance on my bed half naked & sing into my hairbrush…. and other days… I take my medication.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Welcome to London, where everyone calls you madam against your will.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest
shakira sharkira
a woman in front of me in line for the olivia rodrigo concert turned and asked me, “is it bad i came alone?” i told her that i was alone too and she immediately clarified: “i’m actually meeting my husband and my daughter who are here already. but wowwww, good on you!”
Wait, wait, wait. Don’t I get three wishes?
Cop: Ma’am, that’s not how this works.
John Hammond: *proudly* At Jurassic Park, we spare no expense
Me: So where’s all the security?
John Hammond: We had one guy but he got eaten so we’re on our own
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
heck is a place for people who don’t believe in gosh. danged for eternity.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Suggested movie theater prices: Adults – $9.00, Under 12 – $ 6.00, Under 3 – $249.00
6 yo student: It’s hot. Why didn’t you wear shorts today?
Me: Teachers can’t wear shorts to work.
6: Is it because you’d show all your mosquito bites?