Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall

Remember when all bombs looked like a black bowling ball with a giant wick in the top? Yep, simpler times.

Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?

3yo: No.

Hubs: Is that a new one?

3yo: Yes.

Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?

3yo: …Yes.

Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.

Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.

I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream

[*planning dinner*]

Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”

Her: “Oh, any!”

Later:

My six year old has recently discovered the existence of “opposite day,” and in keeping with the theme let me just say I love it. It’s a lot of fun.

My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”

Me: you seem disappointed

Dracula: *holding a bloody Mary* it’s fine, I’m fine

Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.

If the marriage counselor asks how long since you’ve had sex, she means with your spouse. Learn from my mistakes.

Breaking news:

“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”

last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex

Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*

My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?

Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*

My toddler punched me in the eye, then made me kiss his hand, ’cause his fist hurt. And he’ll hear about it every Mother’s Day until I die.

Me: time to sleep
Brain: You have zero skills that would be useful in an apocalypse so when they start to ration food supplies, people will eat you

Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.

My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history

What

Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.

a man walking his kids to school told me to “keep going” as I was running past as if I was about to lie down on the tarmac and give up without his intervention

You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands

Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.

A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.

She’s obviously a newbie.

I walk around my yard with a fake ankle monitor so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids

[responding to trash talk during pick up basketball game] my wife has a bad back so I doubt that happened