Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
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Prince charming: I’m looking for someone with size 5 feet
Cinderella: I have size 5 feet
Prince charming: did we dance at the ball last night
Cinderella: (definitely didn’t leave the house) I absolutely for sure went in a….pumpkin
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
There’s not a day that goes by where I don’t think about that Backstreet Boy asking his pals, “am I sexual?” & they’re like, “yeah.”
Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
I accidentally texted “dong” instead of “doing” and long story short, we’re looking for a new babysitter.
😳
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
My life would be so much better if I could use a smokebomb to conceal my escape after being turned down by a girl.
I dreamt I was getting attacked by a bike repeatedly.
It was a vicious cycle.
After Samsung phones, now Samsung washing machines are exploding. Samsung is now the third biggest nuclear power after US and Russia.
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
As I rise from my slumber the children scream in horror, as they did not know I was in the McDonald’s Playland ball pit
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
I just saw where some woman got paid $40 for brushing her teeth on Only Fans.
I will be opening an Only Fans account forthwith and just argue with people all day. That’s my only skill. Except I do know how to brush my teeth so I guess I could do that too.
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
security at this bar said no outside food and I said this is my “emotional support wonton soup” and he said “what” and I got quiet but we’re inside now
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
There is actually a grim reaper for every species. The mantis reaper is the coolest and the scariest and she doesn’t even have to use a scythe.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police