is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
You Might Also Like
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
Dr: (knocks on door before coming in the room)
Me: Pooping
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
People with stick figure families on their car: Oh look how cute we are!
Criminals: I’ll need 3 rolls of duct tape.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
Another impossible beauty standard for women to live up to
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
DOCTOR: How often do you exercise?
ME: 3 times
DOCTOR: A week? A month?
ME: I have given my answer
Every morning after I get out of the house, a bike comes out of nowhere and runs me over.
It’s a vicious cycle.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I’m actually kind of handsome when you’re drunk and the light is low and there’s no other dudes around and you have low standards.
Human: we have a color named after you!
Salmon: really? is it silvery blue like my outsides?
Human: no, uh–
Salmon: wait why is it pink?
Human: …
Salmon: WHY IS IT PINK
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
Your call is important to us, we’ll interrupt calming music every 30secs for the next 20mins to remind you that your call is important to us
A fun game you can play with someone who claims they’re going on a detox diet/cleanse is to ask them to name literally one toxin they’re getting rid of, and why the liver somehow missed it
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Sex Ed should require them to listen to a crying baby for 5 hours, and to watch the same episode of a cartoon over and over again.
My 8-year-old has a stuffed animal that smells good if you put it in the microwave and I feel like that’s teaching kids the wrong lesson
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.
Sorry, Ghostbusters.
At best, I might email or text you.
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
In today’s installment of “getting absolutely wrecked by my child” I present her commentary on dinner:
“You did the best you could.”