is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
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On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
This meeting could have been a pajama party.
Me: What did you do at school today?
My kid: Nothing.
School FB page: *photo of him riding in a fire engine*
I met a girl named Felicia tonight. Couldn’t wait to tell her bye.
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
I’m not lazy… I just don’t have the desire to come up with a more accurate way to describe myself right now
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, and one Superman.
So, in answer to your question – probably a bird.
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
me: dinosaurs can’t talk
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead, barb
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
My swear jar is having a very profitable week.
Me: I’m just feeling really overwhelmed right now by your constant need for my attention. And you’re being like super pushy and needy and, I mean, I’m sorry if you feel rejected or whatever but like this is something you need to work on without me. Ok?
Bill collector: Um.
🔥🔥
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Today’s office game is “Am I having auditory hallucinations in the bathroom or is someone sitting in the big stall watching videos on their phone?”
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
I wish more things required an email from the WGA before we accepted them as true. Like, “Sorry but, until we hear otherwise from the WGA, it’s still the weekend. We don’t even know for sure Mondays are real.”