is she “spiritual” or does she just really like rocks?
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My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
My daughter is pissed because I made her miss a forensics club meeting for a dentist appointment and the way she’s staring at me suggests that she’s plotting a way to use her forensic knowledge on me.
The awkward part of having the 10 Commandments displayed in US courthouses is realizing that 8 of them are pretty much legal here.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
She looks like she does what the voices in her underwear tell her to do.
I’m not getting fatter. I’m increasing my content.
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
If you’ve seen one lion attack you’ve seen a maul
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
5: im so bored
me: you can go empty the trash cans, put your bike away, clean the kitchen
5: im not very bored though
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
*yells at husband*
I can’t make it fit! It won’t fit!
Him: Just turn it a little.
Me: *screams in excitement*
We finished the puzzle!!
Mad Max- road rage
Atlas- road page
Highway worker- road wage
Radar gun- road gauge
Dog catcher- road cage
My kid : mum lets buy something we can play together – skipping rope?
Me *buys snakes and ladders board game*
More photos of empty shelves in stores please, I love seeing the shelving infrastructure of each store.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
No, autocorrect. I don’t want a shipload of marijua…actually, ya that’s fine.
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit