Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]

[November 2030]

*at the ocean*

“don’t forget your oil block, 800 spf sunblock and your radiation suits”

Kids: This fish has three heads

I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns

[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?

“You don’t feel well? Pfffft you just don’t want to come over”

Me: fine! I guess I can die just as easy at your house as I can my own

Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time

i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”

*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

“New Year, New Me” gets easier every year cause I keep setting the bar lower and lower

You want real 2020 energy? I went to the woods to avoid COVID and now helicopters are flying over my cabin because a killer is on the loose

Oh, you’ve got 99 problems?

Amateur.

Unless there’s a picture of you getting attacked by a shark, I don’t want to see your vacation pictures.

All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.

Oh, so you’re a human?

name three pictures with traffic lights in them

Me: [walking through front door]

4: Is it storming outside?

Me: Yeah it is buddy.

4: Did you get hit by lighting?

Me: Nope I’m all safe-

4: Why not?

Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers

Derek: You wanna go out again some time?

Stephanie: Sure, name the date!

Derek: Ok, how about ‘Derek & Stephanie 2’

Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”

The people who make sexy noises when they stretch are my kinda people.

someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really

guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”

A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!

Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

Text: CMAO

Me: I think you mean LMAO, for “Laughing my ass off.”

That guy in 127 Hours who got his arm trapped under a boulder: No.

My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”