Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’d like a nap please.

Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.

Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.

her: [during sex] call me names

me: [panicking] optimus prime

Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone

Now I lay me down to rest.
I pray your TC loves you best.
If he does choose another,
I sincerely hope it’s not your mother.

I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”

‘our sage died’ , my wife calls from the garden
‘ok, well, ok’ I say after a desperate mindscroll to be sure we have no children, pets, friends, parents, cousins called Sage

The only downside of hiring a maid is having to thoroughly clean the whole house the night before she comes so she “doesn’t think the place is a mess.”

[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]

Me: oh no

Nickleback is playing in this Taco Bell.

How much diarrhea can one person handle??!?

This is now a ‘I have washed my hands’ emoji 🙌

[God creating cheesecake]

GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good

ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?

GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]

You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.

I stood for an entire general admission concert at age 46, will my prize be mailed to me or…

Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??

What about that really cool hashtag we made?

They didn’t free them when they saw it??

Babe, you’re just perfect for me

Except that you’re married, have kids, live 8000 miles away and are probably an obese man

Remember when our biggest fear in 2019 was lettuce?

Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.

Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.

and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area

I changed my relationship status to “I’m sharpening my knives” on Facebook so my boyfriend’s family will never come visit

My car was vandalized by a peacock. I wish I was making this up.

[creation]
GOD: You each have a gift
WORM: What’s mine?
G: You…spin silk
BEE: How bout me?
G: Uh…make honey
HIPPO: And me?
G: Hm…eat marbles

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?

Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.

Me : Really?

Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?

I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then

cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours

my cat: *slowly pushes it off*

[First date]
Him: Can you pass the-
SOMETIMES WHEN I SLEEP ON MY STOMACH MY CAT LIES ON MY BACK LIKE A TINY SURFER

Me: wow I have so much shit to do before I have to pick the kids up, I need to stop getting distracted
Also me: now seems like a good time to make a wreath using wild grapevines and dried flowers for my secret Santa

even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey

Saying “let me show you how it’s done”

– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killer

Saying “this is how we do it”

– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck

Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.