*is taken back to a Christmas Eve in my 20s*
Me: Oh, wow! Look how skinny I am! Look at my flat belly before having my kids! Look how well rested I am! Look at…
Ghost of Christmas Past: *sighs* That’s not what the point of this is
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“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
Meanwhile on Facebook – remember that guy you worked with for 18 months in 2001 well guess what he has a brother shall we send him a friend request?
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
{1st date}
HER:What’s your favorite Disney movie?ME: *Worried this is a ploy to get me to share my pasta* NOT Lady & the Tramp.
I just pressed the Popcorn setting on my microwave and it showed me secret spy video of Kellyanne Conway eating lunch.
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
My mail carrier dressed up as a dog with a postman biting his leg is the best thing I’ve seen today.
When someone says, “I haven’t seen you in forever,” a fun response is, “I know, we’re really not that good of friends”
I hate when my therapist “makes a note” because I know that means she’s gonna try and circle back … but she wildly underestimates my filibuster skills.
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
Me: i’ve lost 10 pounds in 2 weeks
Friend: Wow! What’s your secret?
Me: be fat first
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
What’s the rule for Twitter crushes? So far I’m in love with 800 women, 2 dudes, and a llama. Send condoms.
5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Why hunt for vampires when you can just open a tuxedo shop and have them come to you? Work smarter, not harder.
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
It’s not truly a junk drawer until you have a bag of rubber bands, keys that fit no lock in your house, instructions for things you no longer own, a half-used tube of super glue, pens with questionable utility, and at least five likely dead AA batteries.
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting “LOL” on relationship statuses on Facebook.
doctor: the good news is you’re dying
me: how is that good news??
doctor: i don’t like you
I do really good on my diet for like 8 or 9 hours, and then I wake up.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.