“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Parents w/ 1st kid: *Peels grape & slices it into 84 tiny pieces.
Parents w/ 4th kid: *Gives kid knife & fork to cut their own steak.
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
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Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
imagine if towels weren’t invented, you’d get out of the shower and just, like… wait
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
“You busy tonight?”
Well, that 100% depends on what you’re about to say next.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
Imma get shredded!
Goes to the cheese aisle.
[I open my lunchbox to find flask of whisky]
But that means….
[Cut to my 4 y/o opening her lunchbox to find a flask of whisky]
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
How I’d get arrested…
lowe’s manager: so…you want a job. what department should I assign you to?
me: hmm…how about the mirror aisle? I can see myself working there.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
c’mon!
Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Follow me for more exotic Minnesota cuisine
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I call loading the dishwasher “quantum physics” because no one else in this house knows how to do that either.
age 20: I was in a car accident, my ride is totaled. I won’t be into work until after lunch
age 40: I did something to my back brushing my teeth, I need to lie down for 3 weeks
My kids can’t hear the dog barking for 15mins to come back inside but they can hear me bite into a Pop-Tart from 3 counties away.