“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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[first date]
Date: I like bad boys, and sensitive guys
Me: [slowly uncovers Golden Girls tattoo]
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared
Everyone please stop saying that today’s date only happens once. EVERY date only happens once, that’s how time works.
This is the angriest post I’ve seen on Twitter in a long time.
If the head of CIA can’t even hide his own affair it’s pretty safe to say there were no aliens at Roswell and we really went to the moon.
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me when someone tries to get to know me
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
people naming their orcs with excessive apostrophes like
Priest: Body of Christ..
Gordon Ramsay: Dry.
Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU
ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES
Told my kids I’m gonna be a toilet for Halloween cause of all the shit I take from them.
I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
the time my hedgehog fell into the Chuck E. Cheese ball pit
