“Is that a banana in ur pocket or are u just happy to see me haha”
[i pull a hand full of lasagna out of my pocket] “Actually it’s lasagna”
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2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
crying
“I” before “e” except after “Old MacDonald had a farm”
I don’t have kids, so at night, my dogs lovingly place shards of bones instead of Lego’s on my path to the restroom…
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
Art: Stop it.
Life: *mockingly* Stopp iiit.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Not my sister’s dog looking like a 13yo girl who just got grounded for texting during class
My dogs have requested that I stop trying to homeschool them.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
Why did they call it protective wear for agricultural workers and not ‘Farmour’
if there is a particular food you would like your children to eat less, just go buy a massive box of it at Costco
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
I can’t believe the gall of this bladder.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
(Writing in food journal)
me: for lunch I had sa………
trainer: (interrupting) salad. awesome.
me: sake.
If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Your daughter seems to have nice boyfriends. They all seem to be involved in community service.
Good morning all 👋 have a good one 🙏👌
