Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[USPS]
M: *hands change of address form*
C: Ma’am, this just says “bathtub.”
M: I live there now.
C: We can’t send mail to a bathtub.
M: Yay

Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.

It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.

My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆

Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like

Me: ooo that one is yummy…and that one has kind eyes…oh wow I have always been a sucker for beards…

Cop: Ma’am this is a lineup. You are supposed to pick out the guy who stole your purse – not the ones you like

asking the pharmacy if they have a secret menu

Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.

Me: You had me at “get drunk.”

Friend: I didn’t say that.

Me: It’s a no from me.

Squeak, squeak, squeak!

My boss: you seem distracted today…

Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.

there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u

I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS

Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.

Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
For if I die before I wake
I pray the third Paul Blart they make.

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

him, on one knee: will you marry me

her: OMG

onlookers: say yes! say yes!!

me: *mouth full of hotdog* tell us the biggest fight you’ve had so far

computer: choose new password

math teacher: algebra

computer: password must contain numbers

math teacher: algebraXY

Twitter: You already tweeted that.
Me: I ONLY HAVE TWELVE JOKES.

I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups

OK so maybe I didn’t respond to your text physically but I definitely did mentally it’s not my fault you couldn’t read my mind

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.

No thank you, shower sex. I’ll just step out of the shower and injure myself the old fashioned way.

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”

Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation

We also rank first for quality of life

I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related

The USS B port

if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.

I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep