“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
You Might Also Like
fortune cookie- You will not die alone but with many many cat…
cat: LOL THAT’S SO YOU!
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Yes, that’s a waffle maker. Yes, I know this is a gym. No, you cannot have a homemade waffle.
I’m barely awake and already my toddler is crying because I won’t put him in the trash can
This isn’t a bathroom. Go outside if you have to do that. GET THAT OUT OF YOUR MOUTH. Help me help you.
-talking to drunks & puppies
[speed dating]
Me “Why are you covered in blood?”
Her “it’s just a conversation starter!
Me:…
Her: And it worked! So… what blood type are you?”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
unironically true. mcdonalds ice cream machines are made by Taylor Company, which prohibits mcdonalds locations from repairing the machines, so they have to call Taylor to have them fixed for a fee. the machine’s purpose is not to make ice cream, its purpose is to need repairs
I stared out at my shrubs for a nice long while, trying to figure out how a giant board got lodged in them, before I realized that it was just a reflection of the box behind me in the living room. I need to lie down.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Me: I twisted a muscle in my leg.
Physio: Running?
Me: Sleeping.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
Just reminded when my mate went to a bday party in the US, didn’t know many people & was shy – so when they sang happy birthday she rly decided to get into the “hip hip hooray!”without realising they don’t do it there. Went from quiet to all of a sudden SCREAMING hip hip hooray
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Dig one moat around your house and everyone’s all “you’re being unreasonable” and “where did you get the alligators”
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
I’ve had whole relationships shorter than the Game of Thrones opening credits.
* wishes on shooting star
” the wish you have wished for has already been taken, please try again”
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
My kid wants to earn money to go on a pricey school trip next year and asked if the tooth fairy gives money for other body parts.
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
Jokes about communism aren’t funny unless everybody gets them