“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
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*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
Tonight at my restaurant job a middle-aged white woman looked me right in the eyes, held up the debit machine to me and said, “Can you show me how to not leave a tip?” SO START CROWDFUNDING MY BAIL MONEY Y’ALL IT’S GO TIME THIS IS WHAT WE’VE TRAINED FOR
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Men, please quit wishing for the perfect woman for Christmas. Three times this week Santa Claus tried to kidnap me.
all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Pretend you’re a kangaroo by sticking a photo of your child out of the top of your trousers.
😏😏😏
My wife just asked me why she came home to find marinara sauce all over our sleeping baby’s head. Sorry babe, I’M NOT A DETECTIVE.
PARK RANGER: to be a guide you need to be able to name all the animals
ME: no problem
[later w/ a group]
ME: that’s Greg, & that’s Linda…
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
Not today
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
the sky opens up and meteors begin crashing into the earth. dust and debris fly everywhere. “SORRY EVERYONE” this is obviously my fault. of course the apocalypse would happen today. i just had to wear my brand new white pants
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”