“Is that a banana in your pocket?”
-banana farm security, checking workers as they leave for theft
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Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Idk why but I get so much joy out of responding to phone scammers with the most dire and preposterous situations
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
If I was lying down and someone came up and gave me tons of kisses and smooshed my face, I’d love it. I don’t know what my cats problem is.
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[Kanye at pharmacy]
*knocking basket full of baby powder out of unsuspecting shopper’s hands*
No one man should have all that powder!
*getting kicked out of bookclub*
me: please, all i need to know is how little the women are
[first day as a peterinarian]
Customer: I think there’s a misprint on that sign
Me (petting dog): No.
I love when people tell me to get my act together and I’m like who the hell is acting geez.
Just burned 2000 calories trying to avoid someone I know at the grocery store.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.