Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster

Some guy with hair said I was bad at descriptions the other day.

I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?

Funny how whenever I ask someone how a girl I knew is doing, the first thing they say is “married.”
Like that’s gonna stop me!

The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*

interviewer: are you a good listener

TV captioner: yes

interviewer: can you type quickly and accurately

TV captioner: oh yeah

interviewer: sorry, we can not hire you

[doorbell]

delivery guy: parcel for Moose Allain
me: oh, thanks
delivery guy: can I just take a photo?
me: haha yes, of course, where would you like me to
delivery guy: of the parcel

Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”

Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it

someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.

*tapes picture of my missing milk carton to the side of your child*

So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …

When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?

That’s Bullshit.

Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right

me: I call shotgun

shotgun: sorry, I can’t come to the phone right now, please speak after the beep

My parents are just back from Little Women. My mam absolutely loved it but my dad isn’t happy because there was a Waterford Crystal bowl in the background of a scene and Waterford Crystal wasn’t around back then and therefore, the movie is no good.

[ER]

Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet

Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg

D: Such as?

M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—

D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent

I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner

Hate it when I go to the store for a loaf of bread and come back home $100 later.

FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I’m in the best shape since high school

ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah

*two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch*

ME: ive never felt better in my life

[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second

I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.

I’m starting an eraser company and looking to get the word out

BOSS: I see you got the memo about not vaping in the men’s restroom?

ME: [vaping in the ladies restroom] I did.

I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.

Me: This is the year I’m going to save money.

Also me: *googles, “how to purchase a baby elephant?”*

I like to write all my death threat letters in Comic Sans.

I find it lightens the mood.

this atm and my therapist need to get together and pick a lane

Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.

🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?

Date: So what do you do for fun?

Me: [Flashes back to me tightly strapping a Rolex around a quail]
I love bird watching.