Is that a banana in your pocket because to be honest my potassium is really low and
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The best way to tell someone you don’t like them is to text them 370HSSV 0773H and tell them to read it upside down.
[2:30AM]
*it’s quite late now. Let’s make a call*
*Hey Boss, are you sleepin?*
[Yes you nerd, why?]
*cause I’m still doing your stupid work*
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Vin Diesel’s Family Restaurant, now open for breakfast, featuring:
🥞 The Breakfast and the Breakfurious
🍳 2 Eggs 2 Sausages
🥛 xXx-tra Spicy Bloody Mary
🍍 I AM FRUIT
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
netflix subtitles be like (speaking foreign language) bro translate it
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
Divorce is never funny. Unless it’s happening to your ex who got engaged six weeks after you broke up.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Me: who’s a good dog? who’s a good dog?
Dog: i have a boyfriend
Before a wedding, we both thought the other had bought a present. It was 10pm, and we were in a pub, there wasn’t a lot I could do, until I noticed a lovely framed medieval map of Yorkshire on the wall, anyway fast forward 27 years, it still has pride of place in their hallway
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
“Dad why was I called Holly?”
cos u were born at a special time of year
“And me dad?”
yes Summer and u too
“And me too dad?”
yes Easter-Egg
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen
Me: look at these colorful leaves, fall is so beautiful
Leaf: *cough* behold the desolation of my brothers *wheeze* death surrounds us all
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
Cop: License and registration, please.
Me: Sure, can you hold my beer?
“now i’ve seen everything” no you haven’t. have you seen a frog drive a submarine? shut up
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die