Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m seeing someone new, and we’re at the stage where it’s all sunshine and lollipops and he hasn’t seen me eat a quesadilla like a hungry dinosaur at 2am.

I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.

How to properly lift a body

*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*

Friend: *laughing at the crumbs on my sweater* Have you been eating cookies?

Me: Never ask about my art

wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat

Fantasy:

We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.

Her side is mined.

If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.

Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”

Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k

So when is too soon to ask your friend if you can borrow their baby to reenact The Lion King? One day old? Two?

Therapist: don’t take things personally
Me: [literally a conscious being that experiences life from a first-person perspective] ok I’ll try

Me: Hi. Is your refrigerator running?

Random person who answered the phone: Yes.

Me: ok. Where does it stand on immigration?

If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to

Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful

[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.

If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.⁣⁣

u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???

4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!

Me: Awwww, thank y—

4: It looks like a bug

Me:

Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.

Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.

Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?

I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!

ME *rings wife* should I get one bagel or two?

WIFE: Two!

ME: Ok *nods at tattoo artist* so one on each arm

He’s no fan of music
Not even the bluesiest
He cares not for museums
He thinks they’re the snooziest
He can’t make smalltalk
He’s just not the shmooziest
He’s awful with women
Even the flooziest
He loves only one thing
And of that he’s the choosiest
He’s

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.

The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.

“Please don’t do this,” I beg, as the hairdresser tries to start up another conversation.