“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Turkey: *mumbles*
President: Pardon?
Turkey: Thanks, so long sucker
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
[Taylor Swift on toilet, going #2. Kanye jumps out of her shower]
“Yo, Taylor- I’m really happy for you & I’m-a let you finish, but…”
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Bring your sick kid to business meetings and watch how fast people get to the point.
Cabinet installer arrested, charged with counter fitting.
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
It’s nice that the nations of the world have all agreed that movie tickets should be half price on Tuesdays. Something to build on as we forge a global consciousness
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
[First day of dropping kids off at school]
*Hugs and crying*
[2nd day]
“Get out!”
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
I tried to convince some McDonald’s workers to do the Harlem Shake but they said the machine was broken
Legally, you don’t actually have to ever stop screaming.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
My man wants me to understand him better so I’m not getting my mustache waxed this month.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
ME: judging by this blood stain the murderer appears to have been a turkey
ACTUAL POLICE OFFICER: That’s a hand print