“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
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If you named your kid Hunter because you like to hunt, then I hate you. Who names a kid after an activity?.
*Storms off w/ his son, Kegger
Why did they make Courtney Cox? Because Lisa Kudrow.
[sex addiction group]
“Hi, my name is Fred, and as I’ve got a saxophone in my hand it’s fair to assume I misread the ad”
[in someone else’s master bathroom]
5-year-old: They have two sinks.
Me: Yeah.
5: One for each hand.
Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Me: So I hear you’re the guy that invented lying
Guy: No it wasn’t me
Me: Impressive
[coding]
I don’t know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot
*ten minutes later*
I know what I did wrong. I’m an idiot.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Me: I’m meal planning. Is candy corn allowed on keto?
Keto: Please leave our cult.
Interview Tip #17
be polite and maintain eye contact
[later]
Interviewer: hello
Me: *staring intensely* yes please
Me: I’m not much of a sports guy anymore.
Me, during the Olympics: Bear with me. The US women’s water polo team absolutely embarrassed Greece in the pool this morning, and I lost my voice in all the excitement. You understand.
handy interview tip: wear a Harvard sweatshirt to show your potential employer that you are educated about quality sweatshirts
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I’m “that burger I ate is fighting back” years old.
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
More than 500 million planets in the Milky Way Galaxy are capable of supporting life.
Pick one and get out of my face.
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
[After 20 min at your house]
I used all your toilet paper
“Check in the cabine-”
All of it
“We have more in the gar-”
All of it all of it
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?
Me: Would you eat them if they were?
4: No!
Me:
4: Unless I had ketchup.
mozzarella stick implies the existence of a mozzarella tree