Is that a banana in your pocket or… oh wait that is a banana. Sir I’m with super market security. Please come with me.
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Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I hope Instagram is still active during the apocalypse so the zombies can post pics of whose brains they’re currently eating
Rock stars’ children have very strange names.
Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
As if it weren’t bad enough being stuck inside this increasingly failing meat chassis, why’s the calcium scaffolding gotta be weakening too?
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
My wife’s fish net stockings are so tight that my legs look like wafer cookies when I take them off.
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
*receives a monthly bill*
didn’t i just pay this last month??
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
my sister, since we’re at a 10-hour time difference now, which means that she lives “in the future”
My 10-year-old gets to bring 1 stuffed animal to school. So far she’s narrowed it down to 947 candidates.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
I could have been a doctor but the game Operation made me think the inside of a human body was electrified for some reason.
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
that colleague who touches your screen
Well. That’s not a good sign.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Stealing the candy is not the issue here. The real issue is why are you feeding your baby candy.