Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[invention of spaghetti]

Inventor: i made them very long

Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?

Inventor: lol no why

me: a carrot is a crop

friend: yes

me: so *technically* Carrot Top is a crop top

former friend: i suppose

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.

Me: I never use essential oils

Car mechanic: that’s why it’s on fire

Technically, it’s only cannibalism if you eat the top half of the mermaid, your honour.

I knew a guy used to trophy hunt corn. Had a necklace of ears.

One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.

Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.

*pulls up pants*

Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?

Me: pew pew…pew pew pew

Guy at next urinal: Please stop

I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.

I kept not finding it. She got angrier.

I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”

Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”

😑

I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.

me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right

[later at dinner]

Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine

Let us pray for my Facebook friend who not only has a headache, but her bus is running a bit late too. 

*flashes smile*

*smile calls police*

Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.

Seeing someone’s false eye lash fall off is awkward. I never know if I should catch it or kill it.

That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.

I love lunch. you can eat breakfast for lunch, you can eat dinner for lunch. the highlight of everyone’s day at work is “going to lunch”. I love lunch so much I even love the word lunch. think about it. “LUNCH”

All the stores are selling sexy women’s Santa lingerie because, as it turns out, a lot of dudes, and I mean A LOT, have a thing for Santa Claus.

Buried bones of a famous crime family might be located at an Olive Garden. “When you’re here, you’re family.”

If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?

*eats a crab apple*

*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*

I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.

Person: Are you on the conference call?

Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?

At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.

Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.

Hello bedtime my old friend,
My brain is laughing once again.