Is that a burrito in your pocket or are you happy to see me?
I’m cool if it’s a burrito.
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While the loss of Bruce Wayne’s parents was tragic, I’m grateful it happened decades ago and not in 2023 because he just would’ve become a true crime podcaster.
1: How old is James Earl Jones?
2: She’s 30
1: OMG WHAT?
My computer beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
[dropping my bf off at the airport]
Me: *going in for a hug, already crying* I’m gonna miss you so much
Him: I’m gonna make everyone think you’re my Uber driver!
Me: wait wha-
Him: *pushing my face away* OKAY FINE, I’LL GIVE YOU 5 STARS!
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
this came to me in a vision
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
My 9yo misses having a dog so I took her to the dog park. A dog owner came up to me to chat and asked “which one’s yours?”
I pointed to my daughter.
hot take but IMO the internet was better when it was just dorks and social outcasts. after they let hot people on here everyone got all weird
I am a genie. I grant you three wi—
Me: ONE GOOD TWEET!!
wife: it doesn’t start until 4, why are we leaving so early?
me: i have to set up the grill and tap the keg in the parking lot for the tailgate party
wife: that’s not a thing at funerals
I only sing in the car when it’s in reverse. I’m a backup singer
You guys, I just submitted a tweet to Twitter, and they accepted it and put it on their website!
Which of the f’s in ‘Jeff’ is silent?
Joe: Okay so we sneak in one night around February, steal his shoes
Obama: Joe
Joe: And then dump legos all over the floor
Facebook is the biggest whistle-blower of them all, telling people I saw their messages.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
More like “science UN-fair”
*I walk away in slo-mo. The building explodes with baking soda lava*
*I roll a smoke with my 2nd place ribbon
losing the office zoom costume competition to GRAPES <<<<<
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
I used to think my chiropractor couldn’t fix my back problem but now I stand corrected
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
My wife was shocked when she found out I was a bad electrician.
wife: as immature as you are, you do do a lot for this family, so thank you
me: *giggles*
wife:
me:
wife: …go ahead
me: “do do”
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.