Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.

I cannot remain silent any longer. It hurts my feelings when Wordle hits me with the “phew” when I get it on the last try.

Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.

if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.

IT: You deleted the OS?

Me: I think so.

IT: It didn’t warn you?

Me: Yeah, but it only kinda warned me. What’s with the inquisition bro?

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.

Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.

[dinner negotiations]

Wife: where do you want to go to eat?

Me: ugh

Wife:

Me: you pick

Wife: I’m craving kale

Me: I’ll pick

Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.

My dream is to witness a brawl in a McDonald’s and then be the first guy to try to order after things die down.

Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.

[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie

The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?

I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.

You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.

Steve Austin: nice to meet you

Medusa: the pleasure is mine

Stone Cold Steve Austin:

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

me: [hiring a hitman] now how can we make my songs better

When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.

I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.

Ok, but like, how married are you?

*sees cute bald guy in sunglasses

*spends 10 minutes flirting from across the bar

*realizes sunglasses are on the back of his head

who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards

Why does watching a movie with the kids mean constantly having to remind them I didn’t write the script?

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.

Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.

[homocide scene]
DETECTIVE:”my god, in my 25 years on the force i’ve never seen a dead ghost.”
COP:”sir?, we covered the body with a sheet.”