“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
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I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”
“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
An annoying part of life in the 80s was when you’re already late and, once again, you gotta shoo away some sexy lady lying all over your car
Why jurors are not allowed to have cellphones in the courthouse:
Me, taking a selfie in the jury box: feeling cute, might convict someone later.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
Don’t get upset if you hit a lot of red lights on your way to work. You’d turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street.
“Chest, chest, chest and chest, chest and chest” – T-Rex singing “Head, shoulders, knees and toes”.
That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Pat Sajak: I’m Pat Sajak.
Me: Jack.
Pat Sajak: No, my last name is Sajak.
Me: Jack
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
this has done me in for some reason
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
Millennials are “quiet breathing” on company time, often inhaling AND exhaling at the office
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
extrovert: *answers unknown number*
introvert: *googles the unknown number after sending it to voicemail*
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles