“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
You Might Also Like
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
Dr: I’m afraid you’ve got airportitis
Patient: airportitis? I’ve never heard of it. Is it… serious?
Dr: it’s terminal
P:
Dr:
P:
Dr: nah, you’ve just got a cold
P: you’re an awful human being
had 2 glasses of wine about to text him “can I ask you something” and then turn my phone off til tomorrow
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific
My kid just told me he needs to take 120 of something to school tomorrow, so his choices are cheerios or my tears
Whenever two people argue over something, yell out “OBJECTION” and then contradict the one wearing something you don’t like.
BOSS: We need to improve morale
ME: Okay
BOSS: How about an office party?
ME: [crosses out “replace coworkers with puppies”] I guess
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
I’m an over-explainer (I explain things too much)
Invention of the hug:
“You look sad. Let me choke your whole body”
“How would you like your eggs?”
“Whipped up and inside a chocolate cake please.”
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
Sometimes I spell my name (bob) backwards just to see who’s paying attention.
Drake: you used to call me on my cell phone
Me: that’s what cell phones are for
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Friend: Dow dropped 45 points yesterday.
Me: I don’t follow basketball.
I was lying next to 4 and he looked into my eyes and stroked some hair off my face and my heart melted but then he stroked a bit harder and said “mummy I can’t rub the lines out your face”
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
At the donut store this morning I point to a photo on the wall and ask “is this a Mapplethorpe print?” The guy asks me how I can recognize art like that. I tell him “I’m an art nerd.” He says “well I’m a donut nerd so I have no idea.”
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
It’s kind of funny how so many people think that being gay is a choice but being fat isn’t
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
DR: Good news and bad news
LADY: What’s the bad news
DR: Your husbands dead
LADY: *crying* Oh my god
DR: *holding finished sudoku behind back* Ask what the good news is
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.